The Night of the Dramatic Reentrance
by The Wild Wild Whovian
Summary: …of Lily Fortune! And Artie is over the moon with joy. But really, how hard can it be for a couple to take a simple little honeymoon? A sequel to the canon episode TNOT Big Blast and also to my stories TNOT Fan Girl, TNOT Broken Watch, and Sometimes. AU, with several cameo crossovers in the second half.
1. Teaser

**Teaser ~~~~**

"Jim!"

James West glanced over to see his partner Artemus Gordon gesturing toward the stairs of the warehouse. Someone was up there - someone with a rifle. A gunshot echoed through the crate-filled room, and a bullet splintered some wood out of one of the crates just as Jim dived behind it. Peering out, Jim aimed his revolver at the rifleman and fired.

The rifleman tipped forward, knocking loose a railing from the stairs as he fell. Jim waved Artie onward and the two agents, crouching, made their separate ways amongst the crates to the inner door. As they joined up together again, Jim asked, "Is this where you saw Alexei go?"

Artie nodded as he pulled off his fake beard and nose, stowing them in a pocket. "Right. And as far as I could tell, he had the ledger with him."

"Perfect," said Jim. He worked loose the heel of one boot, then the other, taking the hidden items from within. He reattached each heel with a sharp rap of his palm, then assembled the parts he'd extracted into an elegant little bomb. Once he had it ready, he struck a match and lit the fuse, then glanced at Artie and said, "One…"

Artie mouthed with him "Two… three!" Jim hurled the bomb at the door and the agents hit the floor on the far side of some crates. The bomb glued itself to the door and sat there smoldering for a second, then burst into a magnificent explosion of red and golden gases, reducing the door to smithereens.

The bits of wood that had once been door rained down within an impressively large perimeter. Then a man came stumbling through the doorway, coughing, choking, the smoke from the explosion enveloping him. Clutching a large ledger to his chest, he squinted as he tried to get his bearings in the midst of the cloud. A hand grabbed him and stripped the ledger from him, tossing the book to Artie. "End of the road, Alexei Velikov," said James West as he pulled the man's hands behind him. "You're under arrest."

Velikov struggled, getting a hand free and shoving West away. He ran toward Artie, wrestling him for the ledger. Jim charged after Velikov and tackled him.

The ledger went spinning out of everyone's grasp. "I've got Alexei!" said Artie. He sat on the man's back and set about cuffing him, giving him terse orders in Mother Russian.

Jim went after the ledger. The book had come to rest at the edge of a large dark pit. As Jim reached down the scoop up the book, the thought came to him that entirely too many of the lairs of the criminals he and Artie dealt with had pits in them for inexplicable reasons. And just as he thought that, someone snatched the book from his hand and gave him a shove. "_Do svidaniya_, Mr West!"

Jim hit the bottom of the pit. Rolling over, he looked up to see Alexei's brother Valery grinning down at him. With a cheery wave, Valery reached over and flipped a switch. There was a grind of gears clashing, and one of the walls of the pit began to move toward the agent. "This is where we crush the old metal down into little blocks, Mr West!" Valery called over the mechanical noise. "Oh, and this…" The Russian now grabbed a metal part and wrenched it out of the switch. "…is the essential element to turning the crusher back off." He flung the part away somewhere behind him into the darkness. Waving once more, he smirked at the captive and said, "Enjoy the experience, Mr West!"

Valery vanished from West's sight, but a moment later the trapped agent heard a _bam! _and saw a cloud of magenta smoke swirling up to the ceiling. Seconds later a familiar face was peering down at him. "Jim! Valery's out. I used some knock-out gas on him." Artie's eyes were roaming swiftly over the machinery, seeing how it was put together and what the various parts did. "All right, I got it, Jim," he called down.

"No, I've got it," Jim replied. He had already pulled what looked like a large handle from inside his jacket and was now attaching it to the moving wall as high up as he could reach. The handle stuck fast and Jim used it to pull himself up, then balanced on it as he stretched up, trying to get a secure grip on the top of the wall.

At that moment a noise filled the warehouse, a piercing electronic whine. Jim nearly lost his hold on the wall at the shock of hearing that particular sound. This was not the first time in his life he had heard it, and he had never expected to hear the like again.

The mechanism moving the wall locked up abruptly. At the edge of the pit above, Artie tucked something into a pocket and said, "Told you I had it." He waited patiently while Jim continued his climb out of the pit.

Once he was out and standing by Artie, Jim inquired, "The Velikov brothers?" Artie gestured toward Alexei, belly-down on the floor struggling against the pair of manacles binding his wrists, and then toward Valery, peacefully sleeping off the knock-out gas. The ledger, Jim saw, was on the floor near the inert Valery. Covering his mouth and nose with a handkerchief, Jim retrieved the book. Then he and Artie collected the brothers who were the final two members of an extortion gang and hauled them off to hand them and the ledger over to the sheriff.

"All right," said Jim as they came out of the sheriff's office and headed down a side street to return to the train. "Let's see it."

"See what?" said Artie innocently.

"There's only one thing I know of, Artie, that makes a sound quite like what I heard in the warehouse just now. You have a sonic screwdriver."

With a slow proud grin, Artie reached inside his jacket and produced a slender rod roughly nine inches long. It was made of brass, with little appendages here and there, the tip of it a faceted piece of amber. Giving a bob of his eyebrows, Artie pointed it at a bit of newspaper the breeze was sweeping past them.

The electronic whine filled the air once more. The newspaper obligingly burst into flame.

"Well?" said Artie. "What do you think?" He gave the sonic screwdriver a toss into the air, caught it, then passed it over to Jim. As his partner examined the marvelous device, Artie added smugly, "And you said it couldn't be done!"

"I said you couldn't make this using the technology of our time," said Jim. "However - you cheated!" He poked a finger at Artie with a teasing gleam in his eye.

"Cheated! I most certainly did not cheat!" Artie snatched back the device and stowed it in his pocket. "In what way, James, did I cheat? Hmm?"

"Simple, Artie. You opened that pocket watch."

"Yeah? And so what if I did? How is that cheating?"

"An ordinary man of this time and place could never have made a sonic screwdriver out of everyday materials. But once you opened that watch, you ceased to be an ordinary man. You became a Time Lord. I wouldn't put any technological feat past a Time Lord."

"Shh!" Artie glanced around. The side street they were walking along seemed deserted, but… "C'mon, Jim, someone might overhear you," he hissed.

"No one's going to overhear me, and they wouldn't know what I was talking about if they did," said Jim. "Don't worry so much." He paused, then added, "So when do I get my own sonic screwdriver?"

"When do you… Who says you do?" Artie challenged.

Jim only laughed and held out his hand. Artie laughed too, then reached into one of the many secret pockets of his jacket and produced a sleek and elegant device, its burnished surface of an amazing color that looked sometimes blue, sometimes green. "Here you go, James my boy," said Artie. "Wear it in good health."

"I'll do that," said Jim. He tucked the slim item into an inside pocket of his own jacket.

"Of course, I'll have to show you all the settings," Artie went on as they reached the corner and stepped out onto the sidewalk of a busy street. Artie was on the inside of the turn, still looking toward Jim, and so he didn't see what was ahead of him. What he did see was the way Jim's eyes flicked to something beyond the corner.

Artie began to turn to see what Jim was looking at, but he didn't quite complete that turn. Just as Jim called a warning of "Artie! Watch out!", Artie smacked right into someone. He had a sudden impression of lace and frills and reached out quickly, trying to avoid bowling over what was plainly a woman. And then she was in his arms as he strove to steady the two of them, with Jim grabbing them as well in an effort to keep his partner and the woman upright.

"I'm so sorry!" Artie said automatically. "I should have been watching where I was going. Are you all right, miss?" And now, as he apologized, he at last took a good look at the woman.

Lovely woman - gorgeous woman! Svelte and graceful, with elegantly coifed brunette hair and enormous warm brown eyes. As those eyes looked up into his, immediately a smile of pure delight suffused the woman's charming features. "Artemus!" she cried joyfully.

And Artie? Artie nearly lost his balance all over again.

"Lily? Lily Fortune!"


	2. Act 1, Part 1

**Act One, Part One ~~~~**

The companionable trio sat in the parlor car of the Wanderer after a fine dinner, catching up on recent history. Jim and Artie - mostly Artie - regaled Lily with tales of their latest cases, carefully avoiding anything that might be upsetting to the cherished lady, and Lily reciprocated with anecdotes of the theater, all the gaffes and foibles that kept the life of an actress on the road interesting, with occasional excursions into the downright bizarre.

Gradually the stories wound down and Artie and Lily began to spend more time simply gazing at each other and smiling. Jim pulled out his watch, glanced at it, and said, "Well, I'll go see that the horses are settled for the night. Good evening, Lily, Artie." Jim went through the door to the corridor and disappeared.

Artie stood and refreshed his and Lily's sherries, then came back and made himself comfortable on the sofa by that lovely woman's side. Smiling, he said, "I've missed you."

"I've missed you too, Artemus," she smiled in return. They spent the next minute or so just looking at each other, smiling at each other.

At length Artie cleared his throat and asked, "So. You're enjoying life on the road acting?"

She took a sip of her sherry, hesitated, then nodded. "Mm-hmm."

He frowned at the hesitation. "Something wrong, Lil?"

"Well…" she said, but then fell silent.

"I, uh… " Artie said into the silence, "I'll admit Jim and I never did come to see you on the stage again after, uh… well, after New Orleans. It wasn't for lack of interest though; it was a matter of scheduling. If you were appearing on the East Coast, we'd be stuck out West, and if you were in San Francisco, we'd find ourselves recalled to Washington." He took her hand. "But I never dreamed that you were appearing in this town here and now. Actually, I'm a bit surprised at that. Usually if the great Lily Fortune is headlining a play, the advertising screams out the fact."

She slid her hand out of his and toyed with her sherry glass, head bowed. "I, uh… I'm not the lead actress this time."

"You're not?" His eyebrows arched in surprise. "What play are you in now?"

"Oh, it's yet another revival of _The Rivals_."

"And you're not Lydia Languish this time?"

She shook her head No.

"Who then? Julia?"

She laughed. "I wish!"

He stared at her. "Surely not Lucy the maid?"

She shook her head again, a hard look coming up in her eyes. "No, not her either."

"Well… well, that leaves… Oh! Oh, Lily! Not Mrs Malaprop!"

She nodded, her face downcast. "Mrs Malaprop."

"But, but, Lil! You're much too young for that role!"

She sighed. "Not according to the producers." She toyed with the sherry glass some more, then set it aside and said heatedly, "Do you know, they lured me here with the promise that I would play Lydia, but once I arrived, suddenly it's, 'Oh, Miss Fortune, what a stroke of good luck we've had! Miss Angela DuBois came available just yesterday and we've signed her to play Lydia. But never fear, dear lady, you have such a reputation at comedy, we just know that you'll shine as Mrs Malaprop!' " Lily shuddered, and for a moment it looked as if she might cry as well.

"Well," said Artie, slipped an arm around her shoulders, "come to think of it, I'm sure you would shine as Malaprop. Because you, my dear, would shine playing a potted plant by the proscenium arch or a footstool by the backdrop."

She laughed. "Oh, Artie, you silver-tongued smoothie, you always do know the right thing to say!"

"And do?" he said. He set aside his own glass of sherry, slid still closer to her on the sofa, then kissed her tenderly.

"Oh, Artemus," she whispered when the kiss ended. "Yes, yes, you do know the right thing to do."

"And besides," he said, taking up the glasses and passing her own to her once more, "it's only this one play. You'll be back to the ingénue roles again before you know it."

She shook her head. "I wish I could believe that, Artemus."

He glanced at her, puzzled. "What do you mean?"

She sighed. "Oh, I don't expect you to understand. You're a man, and it's a man's world. When an actor gets older, people begin to describe him as 'distinguished' and there's a whole body of work awaiting him. King Claudius, Richard the Third, the, uh, Scottish play, not to mention Falstaff and Prospero - and of course Lear."

Artie grinned. "Which I played at the ripe old age of twenty-one, you may recall."

She laughed. "Ah, yes, the master of the make-up box! And you know that there are plenty of actors who have done the reverse: older men playing young roles such as Hamlet and Romeo, and getting away with it." Her face grew sober. "It's not like that for actresses, Artie. Nearly all the plum roles for women are young, and it's expected that young women will fill those roles. Yes, one can go from playing Ophelia to playing Queen Gertrude. The Scotsman's lady can be older to a certain extent. But after that, there's the endless round of Malaprop and the three witches. Artie, I'm not ready to be a crone!"

"Who said you're a crone? Anyone who dares suggest you play one of the witches will have to answer to me, Lil! And anyway," he added gallantly, sweetly, "you will always and ever be my beauteous young Juliet."

Again they kissed.

She smiled up at him, hesitated once again, then said, "Speaking… speaking of roles, Artie…"

"Yes, Lil?"

"I, well…" She ducked her head, then looked up at him. "I… was offered a role some time back, and I turned it down. But now… now I'm beginning to wonder if… well, if that part might still be open."

He tipped his head, looking a bit baffled. "You were offered a role how long ago? Wouldn't it have been filled by now? Just what play are we talking about?"

"It was about three years ago. And as far as I know, the role never was filled. As for the play, its title is _Real Life_. And the role I'm talking about is Mrs Artemus Gordon."

"Ah!" A slow and beatific smile spread across Artie's face. "So you're saying…"

"I'm saying if you still want to get married, I'd like to change my answer."

With a magnificent grin he threw his arms around her, nearly spilling both their drinks. "Lily! Lily, you've just made me the happiest man on the face of this earth! Wait till Jim hears!" He kissed her enthusiastically, and she kissed him back just as ardently.

"Oh but, Lil," he added, "you know I still have the same job I had before. It's still just as dangerous. You'll still never know if you're kissing me or 'some bomb,' as you put it."

"Oh," she said. "That. That, uh…" She looked away. "That was only part of the problem."

"It was?"

"Oh, Artemus, you remember that night! The opening night of my play, the six curtain calls, the heady wine of theatrical triumph! And on top of all that, the note from Mother saying she had eloped with Mr Peters! You remember."

"Yes," he chuckled. "You wanted to celebrate."

"For good reason! Do you realize that night was the first time in my life that I had been out from under Mother's thumb? I was free! Free to be my own woman: to go where I wanted and do as I pleased. It was an exhilarating feeling. And then…"

"And then?"

Soberly, she looked into his eyes and took his hand. "And then you proposed."

He shook his head. "So?"

She sighed. "Again, Artemus, you're a man living in a man's world. You don't know what it is for us women. Do you know that, if a school teacher gets married, she has to give up her job? No one will hire a married woman as a teacher, because she's expected to stay home and keep the house. I'm not a housekeeper, Artie!"

"You're not a teacher either. Married women act."

"Yes, we actresses have a bit more leeway than most women. But still, to have married you right away would have meant surrendering the freedom I'd only just gained, untasted. I wanted to live my life on my own terms for a while. It's… it's not that I didn't love you or trust you, Artemus. I did and I do. But I wanted some time to myself, to blossom as an actress, to plunge into Life and live it to the full."

"All right," he said slowly. "I suppose I understand."

She touched his cheek affectionately. "But do you know what I found out?"

"No."

"The more time passed, the more I missed you. I… I began to see you everywhere, your dear face. Of course when I took a closer look, you weren't there; it was all my imagination. In fact," she laughed, "when you came around that corner today and I fell into your arms, I thought at first that I was imagining your face on a stranger once more." Tenderly she added, "I'm so glad I was mistaken."

"So am I," he grinned. "Um…"

"Um?"

Suddenly Artie slipped off the sofa to one knee before her. Pulling a small black box out of his pocket, he opened the box to reveal a very tasteful diamond ring. "Lily Fortune," he said. "Uh… You know, stage fright is about to steal my voice from me again. Maybe I'd better get Jim to help me out…"

She laughed and laid a hand on his arm to keep him from carrying out that idea. "No, no. I know exactly what you mean to say, Artemus. Will I marry you?" Her eyes smiled into his. "The answer this time, Artie you darling, is Yes."

Artie lifted the ring from its box and slipped it onto her finger, then let out a sigh of relief. "Oh good, I got the right size." He drew her into his arms once more for a long and satisfying kiss.

Lily held out her hand, admiring the ring on her finger. Then, puzzled, she turned to him and said, "But, Artemus, why did you have that ring on you? You said you had no idea I was even in the same town with you. Why would you be ready to propose when you didn't even know you would see me today?"

Not wanting to embark on what might turn into a very long story of how he had weaseled the truth out of a time traveler to learn that Lily would be dramatically reentering his life, Artie just shrugged modestly and said, "A man can always hope, Lil. A man can always hope."


	3. Act 1, Part 2

**Act One, Part Two ~~~~**

Jim emerged from his stateroom after a good night's sleep and wandered into the parlor area of the varnish car. The sight of a rumpled pillow and blanket left on one of the sofas elicited from him the lift of an eyebrow, and the familiar voice pom-pomming a Stephen Foster melody drew his attention to the galley. Jim went to the door and looked in.

Artie was at the counter whisking something in a bowl. "I dream of Jeannie with the light bro-own hair!" he sang happily. "Oh, morning, Jim! Sleep well?"

"I did," Jim replied. "And you?"

"Never better, James my boy, never better!"

"On the sofa? You hate sleeping on the sofa."

"Well… By the time Lily and I were done, uh, talking, it was pretty late. Rather than try to find her a carriage at that hour and escort her back to her hotel, I offered her the use of my stateroom, and I…"

"…bunked out on the sofa, right." His face completely neutral, Jim asked, "So how did things go?"

The grin on Artie's face was magnificent. "She said Yes, Jim. She said Yes!"

"And you're surprised? Didn't that time-traveling girl tip you off that this was going to happen?"

"Well, sure, Jim. And I believed her; that's why I've been carrying the ring with me daily for months now. But it's like the difference between having a theory and having the empirical evidence to back up that theory. Before, I knew. But now, I _know!_"

"Well, congratulations, buddy," said Jim. "I'm sure you and Lily will be very happy together."

At that moment a voice interrupted everything with "_Artemus!_" It was, of course, the voice of Miss Lily Fortune - and she was _not _happy.

"Artemus!" The lovely lady, clad in Artie's best dressing gown, her brunette locks tumbling about her shoulders, burst into the galley with a hinged photographic frame in her hand. Stabbing a finger at the right-hand photo, she demanded, "Who is she?"

"Oh, well," said Artie, setting down the bowl he'd been whisking and taking the frame from her slender hand. "This over here is you, of course," he said, pointing to the portrait on the left.

"I know that!" she said. "But who is this, this… ravishingly beautiful woman here? Who is she, Artemus, and why is she sharing a frame with me on your dresser top?"

"Why, that's my mother, Lily. Didn't I ever show you this picture before?"

Lily's eyes widened. "Your… your mother?" she choked out, and slowly her eyes backed down from green to their natural brown. "I… No, no, I've never seen this before."

Artie smiled down at the portrait fondly. "She was lovely, wasn't she? The most beautiful woman I'd ever seen." He cut his eyes at Lily. "That is, until I met you."

Lily took the photo frame back from him and gazed down at Artie's mother. "I wish I'd met her."

"I wish you'd met her too."

She shook her head. "Oh, Artemus! To think of how you lost both your parents when you were so very, very young! It's just a good thing your Great Aunt Maude was there to step up and take you in. And then she passed away when you were twelve, and you were shipped off to Chicago to stay with your cousin Lemuel Gordon's family!" She laid a hand on his arm. "So much loss, and so early!"

"Well," he replied, covering her hand with his own, "I can't complain too much about it. After all, if I hadn't moved to Chicago, I likely wouldn't have met the love of my life before I graduated high school."

He grinned at her, and she smiled back. "Oh you silver-tongued, sweet-talking man, you!" She looked once again at the photos in her hand, then said, "I'm sorry, Artemus. It's just… oh, you know me! The thought of you with anyone female other than me, it just…"

"…sends you off into a jealous rage. I know. It's very flattering!" He took the photo frame from her and laid it on the counter, then slipped his hands around her waist. "I love you too, Lil."

Jim leaned against the door frame politely looking the other way as Artie and Lily made up. At length she smiled and excused herself from the galley to go make herself more presentable. Artie, still floating, went back to whisking the contents of the bowl.

"You sure that's even going to be edible?" asked Jim.

Artie paused and took a good look at it. "Hmm. You may be right. Let me start over." He set aside that bowl to dump out later and pulled out a new one and some fresh ingredients.

"Artie…"

"Yeah, Jim?"

"You didn't tell her, did you?"

Artie suddenly took an absorbing interest in his cooking. "Ah… Tell her what?"

"That you're not exactly the man she thinks you are."

There was no answer.

"Artie, she obviously still believes the fictional version of your childhood: the death of your parents and Great-Aunt Maude and so forth. Don't you think she ought to know the real story?"

Artie sighed and set down the bowl. "And how am I supposed to tell her, huh, Jim? 'Oh, by the way, Lily, I just found out a few months back that I'm an alien from the planet Gallifrey and not human at all.' Is that what I should say? You remember back when the mental master Vautrain took the pair of us time traveling, and what happened afterwards when we needed to make our report to Colonel Fairchild. You advised me to lie through my teeth and claim I'd been missing because I'd had a concussion, but I was determined to tell him the truth. And then he arrived, and I looked him in the eye, and started to explain…"

Jim smiled that small smile of his. "…and you ended up lying through your teeth and claiming a concussion, right. Your point?"

"If we couldn't tell our boss the truth about the time traveling then, how am I supposed to tell my fiancée the truth about me being a Time Lord now?"

Jim gave a shrug. "I could tell her."

"You? Really, Jim? You'd do that for me? Aw, bless you, buddy! You're a real pal!" Relieved, Artie took up the bowl again and went on with his breakfast preparations. "Wait," he said suddenly. "But what are you going to tell her? And how do you even bring the subject up?"

"Don't worry, Artie," said Jim. "You'll see."


	4. Act 1, Part 3

**Act One, Part Three ~~~~**

After breakfast, Jim pushed back his chair and said, "Well, Lily, while Artie washes the dishes…"

"Hey!" Artie protested.

"…I thought I would give you a tour of the baggage car."

She laughed. "Jim, I traveled on the Wanderer before when Artie took me to New Orleans, remember? I saw the baggage car back then."

"Ah, but you haven't seen the way Artie's redecorated it since."

Artie's eyes went round. "Jim!" he hissed and shook his head tightly.

Jim just smiled. "It's Artie's domain, you know. You should really have a look, Lily."

"Well… all right." Jim helped her with her chair as she rose. Artie rose as well and, head down, muttering under his breath, he started clearing the table.

Jim escorted Lily along the corridor and across the gap between the two cars. "What is Artemus so upset about?" she asked.

"Oh, he's probably just thinking you won't like what he's done with the place," said Jim lightly. He opened the door and ushered her inside. "Well?"

Lily spread her hands. "It's not so much different from how I remember it." She pointed. "The stables for your horses are there to the left, but where are the horses?"

"We've been in town for a few days and stabled them at a livery with a corral for some running room. Blackjack and Henry get awfully bored being cooped up in here, you know."

"Ah. So last night when you said you needed to go settle the horses for the night…"

He grinned. "I lied. The two of you were company and didn't need a third hanging around making it a crowd - right?"

"Well…" she said, and her cheeks began to burn. "No, I suppose not…"

"Of course not," he replied. He gestured to the left and right at the remainder of the room. "But what else do you see, Lily? What's new here that wasn't here before?"

She continued on clockwise from the stables. "There's the rolling cell, of course, and the divan your engineer uses for a bed."

"Orrin Cobb, right."

"And that's Artie's lab - do you realize how awkward it is to say the possessive of the name Artemus?"

Jim smiled.

"The side door, of course," she added. "And then there's… Oh! Someone's surrendering from the floor!"

Jim grinned. "Yes. Somehow Artie acquired a pair of arms from a mannequin, dressed them in sleeves, and installed them on the floor there. A little touch to brighten up the place."

"Brighten up…" she echoed and shook her head good-naturedly before continuing. "And here are some life masks hanging on the wall by the door." She touched one of them and smiled. "This one is Artemus. I suppose he uses the life mask to build his disguises?"

"That's right," said Jim. "However," and taking her arm, he led her to the part of the room to the left of the door, between it and the horses' stalls, as he said, "you've overlooked something." He gestured toward a large brown box standing in the corner. Its base was roughly four feet by four feet, its height just a few inches short of touching the ceiling. A pair of doors bisected the entirety of one face of the box.

"That?" said Lily. She shrugged. "But it's just a cabinet."

"Don't be so sure, Lily." He produced a key from his pocket, unlocked the door, and gave it a push.

Lily gasped. Eyes wide, she stared at the interior of the box, then turned to stare at Jim. "But… but…"

"Go ahead and say it," Jim encouraged.

"But… it's bigger on the inside! How is that possible?"

"Transdimensional engineering," Jim replied.

"Excuse me?"

He smiled and quoted someone who had once explained such a thing to him. "It's basic Time Lord technology to be able to take a big box and stuff it inside a smaller one."

"Time Lord? What's a Time Lord? And where did this come from? Jim, what's going on?"

He gestured toward the huge room within. "Care for the grand tour?" Eyes still wide, Lily allowed herself to be led inside.

Jim showed her the various aspects of the large room, most of which seemed fairly straight-forward. One side of the room was more or less a duplicate of the lab in the baggage car, and another section was a cozy grouping of sofas, chairs, and tables arranged on a large oriental rug, plainly intended as a parlor. There was also a desk and chair nestled up against a region of fully-stocked bookcases, as well as a set of tall cabinets filled with intriguing curiosa behind their glass doors. The room was, in a way, a replica of most of the Wanderer, but with vastly more floor space than the varnish car and the baggage car put together.

And then there was the strange structure in the center of the room. Jim set out to explain its form and function to Lily, but most of the technical jargon flew right past her. The gist of it seemed to be that this six-sided console with the glowing column rising up to the ceiling was for steering the box as it flew - yes, flew! - through the air… and between planets… and through time…

She sat down heavily in one of the chairs comprising the parlor and stared at her beloved Artie's dearest friend. "Jim," she said. "Jim, you can't be serious!"

He sat opposite her. "But I am, Lily." He gestured at the room surrounding them. "This is a time machine. Artie's been building it for several months now. Or growing it; I'm not really clear on that. It isn't fully operational yet, but when it is, it will fly. And it will travel through time."

She was shaking her head. "No. No. Jim, you're pulling a trick on me. You and Artemus. This is some, some _joke_…"

Jim leaned forward and took her hand in his own, his eyes on hers, his face serious. "No, Lily," he said gently. "It's not a joke. It's real. I had a certain amount of trouble believing it at first myself. But you cannot deny that this room is real, and that it's really inside a box that's much too small to hold it."

Slowly she nodded. That was true. "But… I don't understand. Artemus has always been inventive; he's always had that scientific bent of mind. But… this? How can he do this?"

"I've touched on the answer already, Lily. I mentioned the phrase Time Lord. That's what Artie is. He's a Time Lord."

"I don't - What's that supposed to mean? What's a Time Lord?"

"Let's go back first. You know that Artie came to live with a man named Lemuel Gordon when he was about twelve."

She nodded. "Yes. After the death of his parents and the passing of his Great-Aunt… No?"

"No. Everything that happened before Lemuel Gordon found an amnesic kid wandering the streets of Chicago one night is the cover story he helped Artie invent to explain why the man suddenly came home with a twelve-year-old foundling. Lemuel took in a boy who remembered nothing of his past, not even his own name. All the boy had with him were the clothes on his back, and the watch in his pocket."

She shook her head. "What?"

"There was no Great-Aunt Maude. As for Artie's parents - he couldn't remember them. So Lemuel gave him his own last name of Gordon, and because it was one that Lemuel happened to fancy, he bestowed the name of Artemus upon the kid."

"But… His childhood! All those marvelous stories about his childhood! They were all lies?"

"Not so much lies as, say, filling in the gaps in his memory. And considering Artie had no memory, there were a lot of gaps to fill."

Lily got up, shaking her head. "I just don't… I can't… This is incredible!"

"I know," said Jim.

She turned to look at him. "But why are you telling me this?"

"Because just a few months ago, Artie regained his memories of his childhood."

"Oh!" The troubled look on Lily's face was replaced now with a resplendent smile as she returned to her seat opposite him again. "Oh, how wonderful! And his parents? He remembers them? Has he found them? They must have been worried sick all these years, not knowing where he was or what had become of him."

"No, he hasn't spoken to his parents yet. That's, ah," and he glanced at the room around them, "that's part of the reason for getting this TARDIS operational."

"This what?"

"TARDIS. Time And Relative Dimensions In Space."

"Dimension, Jim. It's singular," came a voice from the door.

"Artemus!" Lily sprang up and ran to him. "Oh, Jim's been telling me the most fantastic tale!"

He nodded as he took her into his arms for a brief embrace. "I know, Lil. I've been listening at the door for a while now." He offered his arm and led her back to the parlor area, saw her settled into one of the chairs, then sat down by Jim's side. "Go ahead, Lily," said Artemus. "Ask me anything."

"All right," said Lily. She gave it a moment's thought, then said, "What's your real name then?"

"Fair enough, start at the beginning," said Artie. "The name my parents gave me is Peregrine. Somewhat precognitive, considering that my life has been lived on the road, and the name Peregrine means Wanderer." With a grin he added, "Curiously enough, I seem to share a name with our train!"

"And your last name?"

"Ah. Well, we don't much go in for last names on Gallifrey."

"Gallifrey?"

"Yes. That's where I was born."

"I've never heard of it. Is it an island somewhere? Or perhaps a mountain in, oh, I don't know - say, Poland?"

He chuckled. "Something like that. And there's no reason you should have ever heard of it."

"Well, what about your parents? What were their names? And how did you wind up in Chicago, separated from them, and without your memory?"

He held up his hands. "Slow down, Lily! You're asking for all twelve years before I became Artemus Gordon all in one minute!" He took a deep breath. "To start with my parents, my father was named Ardrinas, and my mother Hesperia. My father worked for a Professor Harlequin, whose wife Meliora taught science courses at the Academy where I was a student. Which, I suppose, shows that there are some places where a married woman _can _be a teacher, hmm?"

He looked up at the ceiling for a while. "Well. On a certain day, Meliora had us, her students, help her set up a chemistry experiment. There were a dozen of us, all crowding in around the table where the apparatus was. I suppose no one will ever know what went wrong, but abruptly the reaction began to run wild. Meliora ordered us all to get back while she tried to stop it. Almost half of us, myself included, instead pressed in to see if there was some way we could help. But there was nothing any of us could do. Meliora cried out to us, 'Get back! Get down! _Run!_' and turned to the student standing closest to her, who happened to be me. She knocked me to the floor and landed on top of me, shielding me with her own body."

He swallowed hard. "That's when the apparatus exploded, blasting a huge amount of acidic fluid and shards of glass everywhere. This," he said, touching the small scar between his eyebrows, "is my souvenir of the experience. We were all injured to some extent. I got off the lightest, mainly because, uh, because Meliora took the brunt of it instead. She…"

Artie was sitting forward now, head bowed, staring at how his hands were twisting together. Jim, at his side, gave him a couple of encouraging pats on the shoulder. Artie drew a breath and continued. "Meliora lingered a few days. And then she died. She was also… expecting at the time…"

"Oh no!" said Lily, her hand flying up to cover her mouth.

Artie nodded. "The baby didn't make it either. There was an inquest. All of us students were questioned. And the investigators came to the conclusion that it was simply a lab accident, that there was nowhere to fix any blame. Except that, because Meliora was the instructor, if blame fell anywhere, it must fall on her as the teacher.

"And that, I believe, is when her husband, Professor Harlequin, went mad. That's all I can think. He couldn't accept that his wife was dead, along with their unborn child, and he certainly couldn't accept that his wife might have been at fault. He had to find a scapegoat, someone he could pin the blame on instead of her. And he chose…" Artie pointed at himself.

"He publicly accused me of murder. Set out to have me thrown out of the Academy. Fired my father, and tried to keep anyone from hiring him again. Not that that worked. The case was too well-known. No one believed the accusations. I continued at the Academy, and my father found new employment.

"And so Harlequin stepped up the persecution. He kidnapped my mother and attempted to kill her before my eyes."

Again Lily's hand flew over her mouth.

"Don't worry, Lil. He failed. My father rescued us both, and Harlequin was committed to an insane asylum. And life went back to normal for a few months. Until Harlequin managed to escape from the asylum. At this point, my father realized there was no place of safety for us anywhere on Gallifrey, so he readied one of these." Artie gestured at the room they were sitting in. "A time machine. A pretty common item on Gallifrey, in fact…"

"Common? A time machine is common? Just what sort of place is this Gallifrey?"

"Ah," said Artie. "It was beautiful. Orange skies. The mountains. The Citadel." He looked into Lily's eyes. "It's not there anymore. There was a war. I don't know the details. I just know that Gallifrey is gone."

"Orange skies?" said Lily. "There's nowhere on earth that has orange skies."

"Exactly," put in Jim.

She stared at him, then at Artie. "It's… It's not… It's never…"

"Another planet, one of the oldest in the universe. Yes, Lily, I was born and grew up somewhere out there." He waved a hand at the ceiling, indicating the sky beyond.

"But… you mean… you're not human?"

"No. Or at least, not anymore."

"_What?_"

"As I was saying," Artie continued, "my father prepared our TARDIS and took my mother and me away from Gallifrey. Since it was obvious that Harlequin's plan, his obsession, was to kill my mother while he forced me to watch, Father decided to separate us. He and Mother would go somewhere; I was not to know where. As for me, he brought me here to Earth and took this," he pulled out his pocket watch, "and put it into that," he now pointed at something suspended from the ceiling of the TARDIS, "and put me through the Chameleon Arch."

"The what?"

"Chameleon Arch. It restructures a Gallifreyan into a human. A little bit of hiding in plain sight, you might say. All my memories were stripped from me and placed inside the watch. It was… it was one of the most terrible experiences of my life."

He sighed, then smiled at Lily. "The rest you know, or can conjecture. My parents left me on Earth, just outside Chicago where a certain Lemuel Gordon happened to find me. I couldn't remember my parents or my name because those memories were locked away from me inside the watch. And then, a few months back," he glanced at Jim, "under curious circumstances, the watch started talking to me. It told me to open it. So I did."

"And the Chameleon Arch reversed itself," said Jim.

Artie nodded. "I was restructured all over again back into what I was born as, a Gallifreyan."

"A Time Lord," said Jim.

"I remembered everything. I began, uh, living up to my heritage."

Jim snorted. "Yeah. Building crazy inventions. Talking faster than this train can run." With a grin, he added, "When are you going to make yourself wild colored shoes out of canvas and forget to comb your hair, huh, buddy?"

"Oh ha ha ha, very funny!" said Artie. He turned now toward Lily and looked at her in concern. "Are you all right?"

"I… I don't know." She stared at nothing for quite a while, then looked at Artie again. "So… what became of Harlequin?"

"Ah. Well, we met up with him lately. I strongly suspect that was the trigger event that caused my watch to talk to me."

"Met up with him! What happened?"

"Oh, he, um… well, he tried to kill us, and then he got away."

"With his TARDIS exploding all around him."

"Which might have killed him; we don't know."

"We haven't seen nor heard from him since."

"Yes, and we hope it stays that way!"

"So," said Lily slowly, "if you and I get married, there's the possibility that this Harlequin might show up and try to kill me before your eyes, Artemus? Is that right?"

"Ah…" said Artie. He looked at Jim, then both men turned to Lily and nodded. "Yes, that is possible, Lily."

"I see."

"That's why you needed to know," said Jim.

"He's right," said Artie. "There are times when I hate it when he's right. But, yeah, Jim's right."

Again Lily stared off at nothing for a while - yes, for a very long while. Finally Artie broke the silence with a long and ragged sigh. "All right," he nodded, "I understand. I knew this would be… well, a deal-breaker. I'm not even human; why should I expect you to want to marry me anymore, knowing what you know now? C'mon, Lil, I'll take you on back to your hotel and we can pretend last night never hap…"

He broke off because Lily's fingers were suddenly covering his mouth, shushing him. "Why would I want to pretend last night never happened?" she said to him. "And who said anything about a deal-breaker, or about me changing my mind again about marrying you?" And as he gazed at her, hardly daring to hope, she smiled in return and slid from her chair to kneel at his side.

"Artemus - or Peregrine," she said, "I love you. I've spent most of my life apart from you, and over these past three years I've learned that I don't want to be apart from you anymore. I don't know what's going to happen, whether that Harlequin character will ever show up again, and I certainly don't want him to kill me! But I know that you two men are the best agents the Secret Service has. If anyone can keep me safe from your old enemy, it's the two of you. Now, as for whether you're human…" She laid her hand on Artie's knee. "You're the same Artemus Gordon who set my pulse fluttering when we were teens, and you're the same man I fell in love with, no matter where you really came from. So tell me, Artemus," she finished, a twinkle in her big brown eyes, "how soon might we get married?"


	5. Act 1, Part 4

**Act One, Part Four ~~~~**

Lily was seated on one of the sofas looking gorgeously radiant, while Artie, dressed to the nines in his finest suit, was pacing the floor of the varnish car, doing his best to keep from ruffling his hair out of sheer nervousness. "What's keeping Jim?" he fretted.

"I'm sure he'll be here shortly," Lily responded. "I don't suppose it's easy to find a clergyman willing to perform a wedding on such short notice."

He gave a brief laugh. "Oh, you're right, Lil. I'm sure you're right. I just… Look at me! If he doesn't show up soon, I'll have to go change from flop sweat."

She smiled at him and rose to come to his side. Laying a hand on his chest, she said, "Now, Artemus! You're going to do just fine. There's no reason to be so worried. It's not like this is a command performance." She tweaked the ruffles of his shirt and smoothed his tie.

"Isn't it? It's certainly a one-time-only performance - or at least, I have no plans to marry but this once. And come to think of it," he added, gazing into her eyes, "we might as well call it a command performance, seeing as you are the queen of my heart." She chuckled with delight at his corny line as he drew her into his arms. "I suppose we could get in a little more rehearsal while we wait," he suggested with a bob of his eyebrows, "my Juliet."

"Sound lovely, my darling Romeo," she agreed, and they kissed.

The door opened and Jim looked in. "Hey, Artie!" he called.

"Oh, _that's _timing!" Artie murmured to his lady as he reluctantly released her, then glanced toward the door. "How'd it go, Jim?"

"No luck with any of the local clergymen; they tended to believe it wouldn't be prudent for them to marry a couple they didn't know personally. However…" and he opened the door fully, inviting someone standing on the rear platform to enter, "this is Judge Simmons, who has agreed to perform the ceremony."

The judge, a somber-looking man dressed in black, stepped through the door and followed Jim into the varnish car, sweeping his hat off to make a polite bow to the happy couple. Laying the hat aside on the desk, the judge folded his hands across his middle and peered at the two through the monocle planted in his right eye. "How do you do," he said to them decorously. "Mr West here informs me that the pair of you wish to marry, that you are both of age, and that you are each free to marry, having no previous…" He blinked at this point, and the monocle dropped from his eye to swing at the end of its long black ribbon. "Oh! Oh, my! You… you aren't…" He gaped at the couple, stunned and tongue-tied.

Artie smiled modestly. "I suppose our reputations precede us, eh, Jim?" he said sotto voce to his partner, then louder, to the judge, he said, "Why yes indeed, Judge Simmons. I am in fact…"

"Lily Fortune!" the judge burst out. "Oh, Miss Fortune, what a delight it is to meet you! I had the pleasure of seeing you in a performance in New Orleans, oh, it must be three years ago now, and I've been enraptured by your beauty and talent ever since! How marvelous to have the opportunity at last to tell you so!" He reached out and grasped Lily's hand in his own, then planted a kiss upon it. Not letting her go, he continued on babbling out his effusive praise for the lovely actress for the next five minutes.

"…And I understand that our own theatrical producers here in Prairie Falls, Mr Sherman and Mr Peabody, have engaged you for a new production of _The Rivals_. I am so looking forward to seeing you perform as Lydia Languish, Miss Fortune! They say you're the perfect actress for the role; nobody does Lydia better!"

"Tell that to _Messieurs _Sherman and Peabody," Artie murmured as Lily, genially smiling and thanking the judge for his fervent paean to her talent, managed at last to retrieve her hand from his grasp. "Shall we get on with the wedding then, Judge Simmons?" she said.

Simmons now turned his attention toward the man at Miss Fortune's elbow, regarding him with a formidable scowl. "And just who is this fellow anyway?" inquired the judge disapprovingly as he frowned through his monocle at Artie. "Some stage-door Johnny, trying to sweep you off your feet?"

"Stage-door…!" Artie began, affronted, but Lily laid a hand on his chest.

"Now, Judge Simmons, Mr Gordon here is one of my dearest and oldest friends. We were high school sweethearts. Artemus is no Johnny-come-lately in my life."

Somewhat mollified, the judge polished the monocle, then replaced it in his eye. "Well…" He coughed, clearing his throat as a cover for his misapprehensions. "If everything is quite in order then, we may begin. Mr West here, I presume, is the best man?"

Artie nodded, beaming at his best buddy.

"And where is your maid of honor, Miss Fortune?"

"Oh! I…" Lily glanced at Artie. "I… I haven't a maid of honor. Must I have one?"

"It is quite usual that the bride have a ladyfriend at her side in the wedding, yes," said the judge. "Not essential, of course. However, it _is _essential to have a second witness to the nuptials. Normally, the best man and the maid of honor fill the roles of the two necessary witnesses. Is there no one then who may serve as your maid of honor?"

"Oh," said Artie.

"Ah…" said Lily.

"Wait just a second," said Jim, and he disappeared from the varnish car, leaving the three others looking after him in surprise.

"Where is he going?" said the judge.

"I don't know," Lily replied.

"Maybe he's heading out to shanghai someone into being the other witness," put in Artie.

This earned him another scowl from the judge. "Really! I do hope that is _not _what he has in mind! I know it is sometimes done that a perfect stranger is brought in at the last moment to witness a marriage, but that's hardly the best way to…"

The door opened and in came Jim, accompanied by a man dressed in work coveralls, a red bandanna tied around his neck and a dingy canvas cap on his head. Artie's face lit up. "Orrin!"

"H'llo, Mr Gordon." Orrin finished wiping grease off his hands with a second bandanna, then drug the cap off his head and held an imperfectly cleaned hand out to shake hands first with Artie and afterwards with the nattily-attired judge. "Judge Simmons," said Jim, "this is Orrin Cobb, our engineer."

"Oh," said the judge, now taking out his own handkerchief and putting it to diligent use.

"Mr West here says you need me to be Miss Lily's, uh, maid of honor?" Orrin asked, understandable confusion on the engineer's honest face.

"Why, yes! You'll do admirably," said Artie with a big grin. "Let's see: Jim, you stand at my side, correct? And Orrin at Lily's other side… and there. I believe we're ready now, Judge."

Simmons scowled at the lot of them for a long moment before at last, with a theatrical sigh, bringing out his book. He then led the connubial pair through the ritual questions, ending at last with, "I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride."

"Whee!" proclaimed Artie and produced a handful of rice from his coat pocket, tossing it into the air to shower down all around them as he enthusiastically kissed his blushing bride. Jim gave his buddy a happy pat on the shoulder, while Orrin let out a solid whoop of joy.

The judge tucked his book away and wiped his brow with his handkerchief. "Yes, yes, thank you," he said to Mr West as Jim slipped a little remuneration for his trouble into his hand. "Thank you and good day," he added as he took up his hat from the desk and popped it onto his head. He glanced back once more from the doorway, shook his head, and walked out of Artie and Lily's life.

Amidst the joyful congratulations as all the men present claimed a kiss or three from the laughing bride, Jim said to Artie, "I'm surprised Judge Simmons didn't request a kiss from Lily as well."

"And I'm surprised," Artie replied, "that he didn't notice that he'd managed to put a big grease smudge across his forehead when he wiped it with his handkerchief."

"Hmm," said Jim. "Well, he'll figure that out eventually. For now…" And Jim snuck in yet another kiss from the bride.

**End of Act One**


	6. Act 2, Part 1

**Act Two, Part One ~~~~**

"Oh no!"

"Something wrong, Lil?"

"Oh, Artemus, I forgot! Rehearsals for _The Rivals _get under way this afternoon. I'm expected at the theater!"

He kissed her tenderly. "And the show, of course, must go on. We'll just have to continue our honeymooning later, that's all."

"Artie, you're a darling. Of course you would understand. Only…"

"Only?"

She sighed. "Oh, I am _not _looking forward to my first meeting with this new Lydia Languish! Not to mention…"

"…not looking forward to playing Mrs Malaprop either, I suppose?"

She nodded.

"Well, tell you what: which would you prefer, the top role of Lydia, or to be out of the contract entirely?"

Lily sniffed. "Considering how they lied to me, I'd prefer to have nothing whatsoever to do with Mr Sherman and Mr Peabody again, of course."

"Fair enough," said Artie. "You go ahead and get yourself ready, and I'll hail you a carriage."

"All right. Oh, but, Artie! I'll have to go back to my hotel first before I go to the theater. I've worn that dress yesterday and today as well!"

"Perfectly fine," he said agreeably. "Hotel first, theater afterwards, and once you're done there, back to the hotel to pick up all your things and move them here to the Wanderer."

She paused for a moment and turned to look at him. "Ah… Artie, I probably should warn you. I have… well, quite a lot of things."

He grinned in return. "And I have a certain cabinet in the baggage car that has quite a lot of room in it, sweetheart. Don't worry about it. In fact, don't worry about a single thing whatsoever. By the end of the afternoon, you'll be out of that contract and free as a bird, Lily my love."

"I will?" She gave him a sharp look. "Artemus Gordon, what are you going to do?"

He gave her a kiss and a wink. "You'll find out soon enough. In the meantime, enjoy the rehearsal. Oh, and break a leg!"

…

After the stop at the hotel, now attired in a fresh dress with all the trimmings, Lily breezed into the theater, masking her anxiety. She nodded to Lyle Carroll, Emmett Tayne, and Jesse Wills, the actors playing the Irishman O'Trigger and the father and son roles of Sir Anthony and Captain Jack Absolute. Spotting Miss Angela DuBois, Lily lifted her chin and pasted a small smile on her face as the younger actress made a beeline for her. "Why, Lily Fortune!" Angela chirped, embracing Lily and making air kisses that came nowhere near Lily's cheeks. "How lovely to meet you at last! Why, I've been a fan of yours simply forever, darling! Ever since I was _such _a tiny tot!"

Smiling charmingly, Lily responded with, "Oh, what a lovely compliment you've relayed to me from your granddaughter, my dear! Do be sure to give the child my heartfelt thanks!" And as Angela's eyes hardened into piggish globes of ice, Lily swept on to the small dressing room with her name on the door.

"Oh!" she muttered to herself once she'd shut the door behind her. Tossing down her wrap and purse, she hissed out, "Beastly woman!"

"I soitainly agree wit' ya dere, toots," came a rasping voice with a low-class accent.

Startled, Lily spun around to see a strange man in her dressing room. He was dressed in the height of tackiness in a ditto suit of some outlandish pattern not even a horse would wear. He had a battered old derby hat jammed onto his blond curls, a squint in one eye, a walrus mustache, and a cheroot of indeterminate age sprouting from his lip. As she continued to gape at him, pressing herself back against her dressing table, he pulled the ugly cigar from his mouth and gave her a wink. "Whazza matter, hon, doncha recognize ya manager?"

"Man… manager? I don't have a manager!" she exclaimed.

Suddenly he grinned and he was Artemus. "You do now," he said, his voice his own again. But then he switched right back as he popped the stogie into his mouth once more. "Frank Fosdyke's da name, toots," he said, sticking out his hand to shake hers. "Peerless Fosdyke, dey call me."

"Oh," she said, mesmerized. She shook the proffered hand.

"Ok, so now dat we done met all formal-like, whatcha wanna do, babe? Ya gonna stay here where it's safe, or come on out an' watch da firewoiks?"

Intrigued, Lily grabbed her things and followed her new manager to see what would happen.

...

Artie marched on ahead of Lily, crossing the backstage area and bursting out of the wings, charging right past Jesse Wills and Lyle Carroll as they rehearsed some stage fencing. Artie took the stairs leading down from the side of the stage at an allegro clip, then headed up the aisle for the producers' offices up front. As Lily followed him at a much more ladylike pace, Emmett Tayne called out to her, asking, "Who's that?"

"My, ah, my manager," she replied, trying to keep Artie's rapidly disappearing back in view as Emmett blocked her way.

"Manager? Whenever did you acquire a manager, dear?" he asked as Lyle and Jesse broke off their stage combat to find out what was up.

"Why, recently," she responded. "Very, _very _recently. If you'll excuse me…" She sidled past the three men and hurried after the already vanished Artie. She reached the doors which separated the theater proper from the lobby, and even if she hadn't known where the producers' offices were, the escalating angry voices, one of which she now knew to be very familiar, would have drawn her in the right direction regardless. She darted for Mr Sherman's office and paused in the doorway.

There was Artie, pushing his belligerent face forward as he leaned over the desk, intimidating Mr Sherman seated behind it. Beyond both, all but cowering against the wall, was Sherman's partner, Mr Peabody. Spotting Lily gaping in the doorway, the affronted Mr Peabody called out, "Miss Fortune! Is this Peerless Fosdyke person indeed your manager?"

"Well, of course he is," Lily replied. "As I'm sure he's told you, I hired him quite recently to look after my interests and make sure that I am not, ah…"

"Hornswoggled," her manager supplied.

"Yes, hornswoggled by unscrupulous producers who promise me plum roles, then demand I play Mrs Malaprop instead." She lifted her chin and gazed serenely at the producer.

"Now, now, Miss Fortune! We, ah, we never actually promised you the role of Lydia Lan…"

"You callin' my client a liar, Mr Shoiman?" Fosdyke interrupted, the look in his eyes cold and dangerous.

"Oh, no, no, Mr Fosdyke! Soitainly… I mean, certainly not! It's just that…"

"So ya admit ya did make her da promise, an' den ya broke it."

"Ah…"

Fosdyke drew the cigar from his mouth and pointed it at Lily. "She's Lydia, or she's walkin'," he stated firmly.

"She's Malaprop, and we have a contract which she signed," countered Mr Peabody.

"She's Lydia, or she's walkin'," Fosdyke repeated. "Ya wanna keep on arguin' 'bout it, dat's fine. I'll jus' call in my cousin Vinny, an' let ya take it up wit' _'im_."

"Your… your cousin Vinny?" said Sherman cautiously.

"Yeah, da one what jus' got outta prison from carvin' 'is name on da back of da last producer what gave me a hard time over a bad contract." Artie smiled nostalgically. "Dat Vinny, whatta character!"

Peabody and Sherman exchanged rapid and horrified glances. "That… that won't be necessary, Mr, ah, Fosdyke," said Peabody, nodding at his partner. "Give it to him, Sherman. It's in the top drawer."

Fosdyke's eyes narrowed and he leaned still farther over the desk. "_What's_ in da top drawer?" he demanded darkly.

"Only," squeaked Sherman, "only the contract!" He slid the drawer open and ruffled through some papers, handing one of them to the intimidating manager. "Here!"

Fosdyke took it and scanned it briefly, then held it out to Lily. She looked it over as well, noting her own signature at the bottom. "Yes, that's it," she said.

Fosdyke nodded and proceeded to tear the document into sixteen pieces which he then tucked away in his pocket. "It's been a pleasure doin' business wit' ya, gennlemen!" he announced with a tip of his hat. "Good day." He turned to the door and crooked his elbow to Lily. "Miss Fortune?"

With a smile she took his arm and the two of them sauntered out of the theater and away to her hotel room to pack up everything and move her belongings into the baggage car of the Wanderer.


	7. Act 2, Part 2

**Act Two, Part Two ~~~~**

With a cheery, "Thank you, my good man!" Artie, now transformed back into himself again, flipped a coin to the cabby after the last of Lily's paraphernalia had been transferred from the carriage into the baggage car. He then crossed to the cabinet in the corner and unlocked it. "As I told you, Lil, there's plenty of room in…" Abruptly Artie fell silent.

"Artemus? Is something wrong?"

After a few moments of stunned silence, he found his voice again. "Wrong? No, no, not wrong exactly. Just, ah, unexpected, that's all."

"Why, what is it?" she asked, stepping up to the door by his side. She peered into that impossibly large room and frowned. "Where did that come from?" she said. "There wasn't a door in the far side of the room this morning!"

"No, there wasn't." Artie stepped inside, set down the case he'd been carrying, and crossed the room to that brand new door. "What have you been up to, old girl?" he whispered to the TARDIS softly, out of Lily's hearing. "You've only ever had this one room before, but now you've grown more?" He laid his hand on the doorknob, turned it, then gave it a gentle push.

The door opened. Lily, just catching up with her new husband, gave a gasp. "Oh, Artemus!" she breathed. "When did you find time to build this?"

He turned to her, enjoying the wonder on her face, then took her hand. "I didn't b…" he began, but not wanting to get into a long explanation of the fact that the TARDIS was a living being, well capable of growing on its own, nor the fact that the proper pronoun for the TARDIS was not "it" but "she," he contented himself with saying, "Do you like it?"

"Do I!" Her eyes glowed with delight as she stood by his side in the doorway, taking in the sumptuous furnishings of the room beyond. She started to walk in, but Artie, with a laugh, said, "Wait - we need to uphold tradition, Lil," and he swept her up into his arms, carrying her across the threshold. He then set her on her feet again and closed the door behind them. Both of them laughing with amazement, they set out like a pair of kids on Christmas morning, exploring the magnificent room, pointing out one wonder after the next to each other.

For Lily there was a beautiful dressing table with a large mirror, every drawer filled with all sorts of useful womanly items. For Artie there was a desk in a reading nook - this was, in fact, the same desk with its bookcases that had been outside in the main room just this morning. A door near to the dressing table opened into a magnificent walk-in closet filled with exquisite dresses, hats, shoes, and sundry, all of them in Lily's sizes, while a matching door by the reading nook revealed a second such closet, this one filled with suits for Artie, along with just the sort of work clothes a master of disguise would need for all kinds of cases.

There was a third door as well, centered between the his-and-hers closets. This opened onto a simply marvelous bathroom with a tub large enough for two, gleaming gold fixtures, and stacks of huge thick towels, each embroidered with an ornate A&L. There were also a pair of fluffy white bathrobes hanging on a clothes tree, one robe marked AG and the other LG.

"Oh, it's beautiful, Artie!" Lily exclaimed. She flung out her arms, taking in the whole of the splendid apartment, and gave a little spin that ended with her collapsing onto the heavenly mattress of the gorgeous four-poster bed that dominated the very center of the room. "For me?"

"For us, Lil," Artie said. Closing the door to the bathroom, he patted the nearest wall and whispered a soft, "Thank you, you marvelous TARDIS you!" Then he joined his wife at the bed as the curtains around the four-poster, all by themselves, shut themselves to give the honeymooning couple just a touch more privacy.

…

The clatter of the telegraph brought Jim hurrying to the desk. He opened the fake set of books and tapped out the Ready sequence, then wrote rapidly as the rest of the message came in. Ah, a new assignment. Well, he'd been expecting that. He sent the acknowledgement, closed up the fake books, and studied the message for a second.

Denver. Well, he thought, that was a nice location; Lily should like that. While he and Artie were busy with this latest case of counterfeiting, she could amuse herself with shopping, dining out, and… well, whatever it was women would do when their men weren't around. In fact, he wasn't really sure what women did with themselves when men weren't around; it wasn't something he'd ever given much thought to before. Presumably they didn't just sit around twiddling their thumbs while they waited for the men to come back…

Oh, that's right, he remembered, some of them knit.

At any rate, he needed to let Orrin know of their new destination, so he went to the speaking tube and briefed the engineer. And once that was done, Jim started for the corridor to go inform Artie. But then he hesitated. After all, Artie and Lily were newlyweds now and he didn't want to interrupt whatever the two of them might be up to.

On the other hand, he knew both Artie and Lily had gone out earlier, so he needed to make sure they were back now, lest the Wanderer leave without them. Wouldn't Artie have a field day with that! Jim could just imagine all the teasing Artie would put him through for making such a mistake. And as for Lily - well, Jim didn't want to get things off on the wrong foot with her by leaving the bride behind, especially if she wound up stranded in a backwater such as Prairie Falls.

Jim shoved open the swinging door to the corridor and, deliberately making lots of noise, clumped past the galley and up to Artie's stateroom door. "Hey, Artie!" he called and knocked on the door.

No answer.

Jim tried the knob, which turned easily. A peek inside the room confirmed that no one was home. Hmm.

Jim headed on down the corridor and crossed over to the baggage car. To his surprise, the sliding door in the side of the car was standing open, with a large steamer trunk and several stacks of boxes and other matching luggage flanking the door. Plainly Lily's things had arrived, but where was Lily herself?

Jim took a look out the sliding door. He saw no sign of Artie or Lily. Orrin was busy looking over the engine, though, and waved to him. "Mr West!"

"Yes, Orrin?"

The engineer hopped off the side of the boiler and ambled toward him, wiping his hands on a bandanna. "Well sir, the ol' girl's in tiptop shape, ready to go. You want I should head over to the livery and fetch the horses then?"

"Sure, thanks." Jim tossed him a couple of coins to pay the liveryman. "Are Lily and Artie back?" he added.

Orrin chuckled. "Oh, yeah. As much luggage as they took out of that carriage, though, they might shoulda hired a dray wagon." Then he glanced at the stacks of luggage and frowned. "That's funny."

"What is?" asked Jim sharply.

"Aw, it's just that they got back more'n half an hour ago. I'da thought Mr Gordon woulda gotten all this stashed away by now. Leaving it here blocks the door."

Jim studied the luggage again. Artie had been here then, but had gotten interrupted - or distracted? - before he could store Lily's things properly. So where was Artie now?

"Well, I'll be back with the horses shortly, Mr West," said Orrin.

Jim nodded. Artie wasn't in the varnish car at all, nor was he here in the baggage car. That left one last place in the train he might be. Jim pulled out his key to the TARDIS and let himself in.

Well, this was different. He noted a case that matched the rest of Lily's luggage sitting on one of the chairs of the parlor area, showing that Artie had been in here very recently. He also noticed that the study area had vanished. But it was the new door in the far wall of the TARDIS that commanded his attention. Where had that come from, and where did it lead? Jim crossed the room and tried the door.

It clicked open and he looked inside. Wow. Oh yes, this was definitely different: a long corridor stretched away in front of him before curving away to the left. "Well," he said softly, "looks like you've been a busy young TARDIS. I wonder how much you've added to yourself. But more importantly, I wonder where Artie and Lily are right now." And he set off down the corridor in search of the newlyweds.


	8. Act 2, Part 3

**Act Two, Part Three ~~~~**

Swathed luxuriously in her beautiful new bathrobe, her hair enturbaned in a thick fleecy towel, Lily smiled at her dear husband. "Oh, Artemus, this is all…" She flung her hands out again. "Why, it quite takes my breath away!"

"Your words too," he teased.

"You look so handsome," she told him, her hands now smoothing the lapels of his matching robe.

"Thank you, thank you," he replied. "And you, Lily my love, are as ever utterly ravishing."

She laughed and touched the turban. "You silver-tongued smoothie!"

He chuckled in return and drew her close for a kiss.

There was a knock on the door. "Oh, that's timing again!" Artie grumbled and went to answer the door.

It was Jim, of course, but for a long moment, Artie just stood there, his hand still on the doorknob, staring at what lay beyond his partner. Jim glanced over his shoulder at the corridor behind him, then snapped his fingers in his partner's face. "Artie? You ok?"

"Ah… Sure, Jim. Sure. When did…?"

"When did what?"

Artie blinked and decided to drop the subject of just how rapidly the TARDIS was expanding herself today. "Nothing. It doesn't matter. Oh, hey! Have a look at the boudoir milady may rejoice in, hmm?" He gestured at the gorgeous bedroom suite. "Not half bad, huh?"

"I see where your desk went," Jim responded. "Afternoon, Lily. Artie, I'm sorry to barge in and interrupt things, but we just got this," and he handed over the message he had taken down from the telegraph.

Artie read it over. "Ah," he said. "So we'll be heading out shortly then?"

"Right. I told Orrin, and he's gone to fetch the horses." Jim glanced at the bedroom again. "I was going to apologize for cutting your honeymoon short, but I suppose the two of you will have plenty of time while the Wanderer takes us to Denver."

Artie shot a look at Lily, then rubbed at the back of his neck. "Hmm, yeah…"

Jim grinned and gave him a punch on the arm. "Enjoy the trip, buddy. Afternoon, Lily." He nodded a farewell to her, then pulled the door shut and left the happy honeymooners to their own devices.

…

Evening came on and the Wanderer set out for Denver. Jim was relaxing in the parlor on his own when there came a knock on the swinging door to the corridor. Wondering what that could be about, Jim got up to answer the knock. After all, there was no one else on the train but Artie, Lily, and the crew in the engine. And why would Artie or Lily feel the need to knock? Who could be at the door?

Jim opened the door and stared at the wizened old man on the other side. He was dressed as a mailman with a billed cap perched on his lank white hair and a weather-beaten leather bag draped athwart his chest. Peering over the top of his half-moon glasses, the old fellow puffed out his cookie duster mustache and said, "Special delivery for Mr James T West. You James T West, sonny?"

"What are you up to, Artie?"

"Artie?" The old man drew back and glared. "Who's this Artie? My name's Avery McAllister, I'll have you know, you young whippersnapper! Hmph!" he muttered to himself irascibly, "fellow thinks I don't know my own name!" Fixing Jim with a gimlet eye, he added, "Now I done asked you once, and I ain't gonna keep on asking. Are you or ain't you Mr James T West?"

Jim grinned. "My most heartfelt apologies, Mr McAllister. Sure, I'm James T West."

"Well, now we're getting somewhere! Special delivery for James T West." The mailman pulled a large envelope out of his bag and held it out. Jim reached to take it, but the old man suddenly drew it back. "I don't get a tip?" he said.

It was all Jim could do to keep from laughing in Artie's face. "Tip… tip… I don't seem to have any loose change on me at the moment. But tell you what: you can go see my friend Mr Gordon over there in the baggage car, and I'm sure he'll give you a nice tip."

"What? Why, I oughta…! Oh, never mind. Here!" And Mr McAllister thrust the envelope into Jim's hands, then turned and shuffled off up the corridor, muttering, "Why, I never - not in all my born days…!"

Chuckling, Jim let the door swing shut and pulled out a knife to slit the envelope open. He glanced at the address on the envelope, which read "James T West, the Wanderer," then pulled out the contents to find that a second envelope was tucked inside the first. Written on the interior envelope was simply the word "Jim."

He opened the second envelope. Inside was a single sheet of card-weight paper, elegantly inscribed with the words:

_You are cordially invited  
to the wedding feast of  
Mr and Mrs Artemus Gordon  
this evening at eight  
in the formal dining hall  
of the TARDIS.  
White tie._

Jim's eyebrows lifted. Formal dining hall? The TARDIS had a formal dining hall now? He glanced at his pocket watch, seeing that he had just enough time to dress for dinner. "And so does Artie," he said with a smile. Tucking the invitation under his arm, he headed to his stateroom to make ready.


	9. Act 2, Part 4

**Act Two, Part Four ~~~~**

The meal, of course, was sumptuous, elegant, and ambrosial: beef stroganoff, Artie's favorite, coupled with an excellent wine, preceded by a delectable tossed salad, and with cherries jubilee _en flambé _for dessert. Afterwards, Artie and Lily took Jim on the grand tour of the new improved TARDIS in all her glory: laboratory, library, swimming pool, game room, a small theater, a den, and last but not least, a well-appointed bedroom for Jim's own use.

In the end they all returned to the console room. Jim was about to bow out and leave the happy couple to enjoy the rest of their wedding night without him when something caught his eye. "What's that?"

"Hmm? What's what, Jim?"

"There on the console, Artie, next to the typewriter. I don't remember that lever being there before."

Artie took a closer look. "That's because it wasn't there before!" he exclaimed. A gleam in his eye, he said, "Do you know what this means?"

"No," said Lily with a shake of her head.

"Ah, but I believe Jim does. What do you suppose that lever is for, James my boy?"

Jim smiled. "Judging from the enthusiasm in your voice, Artie, I'd say that the new lever must be the control for sending the TARDIS into flight."

"Give that man a cigar! Exactly right, Jim! My TARDIS is at last flight-ready!" He stepped up to the console and began hammering away at the keys of the typewriter. "So where shall we go?"

"Artie, we're on our way to Denver for a new assignment."

"True, James, true. But this is a TARDIS. We can take 'er out for a little spin, go wherever we want, stay as long as we want, then return here to the Wanderer two seconds after we left. So where shall we go?"

Jim lifted his hands and took a step backwards. "That's between you and Lily. It's your honeymoon."

"Oh, but Jim!" said Artie, a wounded look in his eyes. "This isn't about the honeymoon. Well, it _is_, in that I'd like to take Lily somewhere beautiful but…" He stepped away from the console and walked over to Jim. "From the moment I looked into that box I'd swept the broken pieces of my watch into and realized that, overnight, the box had grown bigger on the inside - from the moment I first realized I had a TARDIS in the making - Jim, from that moment, I wanted to share her first flight with _you_. I mean, hey! you're the best friend I've ever had, the best friend I could ever imagine. You're the brother this only child wishes he'd had. Lily, you understand why I want Jim to come with us, don't you?"

She came and put her arm through her husband's. "Of course I do, Artemus. This is opening night. Jim has to come!"

"Right! Or it's like throwing a party, and letting someone other than the birthday boy blow out the candles on the cake. You _have _to come, Jim! It just won't be the same without you."

Jim took in the open, earnest look in Artie's face, and even more importantly, he looked at Lily and read in her eyes her absolute agreement with Artie.

She put out a hand and laid it on Jim's arm. "You come too," she said.

"You're sure about this?" And when Lily nodded, Jim smiled. "All right. Since the two of you insist on twisting my arm."

"Attaboy, James!" Artie beamed. And going back to the console, he began fiddling with the dials and switches. "So where shall we go?"

"Oh, anywhere," said Jim. "Out there." He waved an arm. "Thataway."

"All right, out there it is." Covering his eyes, Artie muttered, "That…" as he twisted a dial, "…a…" as he flicked a switch, and "…way," as he pressed a button. Then he looked over what he'd done and tossed an imploring glance heavenward. "Ok, Jim, you come on and do the honors," he added with a gesture at the lever.

"It's your TARDIS, Artie."

"Both of us then." He laid a hand on the lever. "Come on, Jim. You help me pull this thing. Lily, you get a hand in here too."

And so, with all three of them grasping the lever, they threw it for the very first time.

**VWARP**… _VWARP_… VWARP… Vwarp… vwarp…

**End of Act Two**


	10. Act 3, Part 1

**Act Three, Part One ~~~~**

vwarp… Vwarp… VWARP… _VWARP_… **VWARP**… **SHTUNK**!

"Well," said Artie as the time rotor in the central column of the console fell still, "we're here."

"Wherever here is," put in Jim.

"Let's have a look." Artie headed for the door.

"But…"

Both men turned to look at Lily.

"It's just… well, are you sure it's safe?"

Artie shrugged and Jim said, "We'll find out." And together they pulled open the doors.

The sunlight was warm and friendly, the air fresh and breathable. As for the landscape, both Jim and Artie frowned and exchanges glances. "That's an extremely close horizon!"

"What are we on, some sort of asteroid? The horizon is so curved, I wouldn't think the diameter of this place is more than what? a few yards?"

"That little hill there is smoking." Jim pointed, and Artie chuckled.

"Yeah, it looks like a volcano in miniature."

"As small as this planet is, a volcano could hardly be any larger."

"True."

"Oh," said Lily, joining them at the door, "what a lovely rose bush!"

"It is, isn't it? But it seems to be the only living thing in sight."

"Right." Without setting foot out the door, they all looked around some more, then Artie sighed. "Well, not much to see, is there?"

"Yeah. Let's go." Jim gave Artie a pat on the arm, and they closed the doors and headed back to the central console to try again.

Barely a moment after the _vwarp _of the dematerializing TARDIS faded, a small figure wandered over the horizon and looked around. "I thought I heard voices," he said. Looking at the rose, he asked, "Were you calling for me?"

The rose did not answer.

"Oh, excuse me. You are sleeping. I should not wake you." And with a shake of his golden curls, the little boy walked back to the other side of the planet again to play with his sheep.

…

The TARDIS door opened to a view of nothing but sand.

"Hmm," said Jim.

"Well," said Artie, "from the flatness of the horizon, I'd say we've arrived on a full-sized planet this time at least, but," and he shook his head, "I can't see much else to recommend it."

"Try again?"

"Try again."

They closed the door and _vwarped _away - and not a moment too soon, for an enormous sandworm, a Shai-Hulud, rose up out of the desert, its great mouth yearning after the time machine, but the TARDIS had already safely vanished away.

…

This time the door opened to noise, tumult, and color. Crowds swirled all about the TARDIS like water surging past a rock in a stream, while permeating the atmosphere, commanding the attention of all, were aromas of every sort. Beef and chicken, burgers and tacos, grease and grease and more grease, almost enough to gag the occupants of the little brown cabinet.

Artie whipped out his handkerchief and held it over his nose. "Great jumping balls of St Elmo's fire! What have we gotten ourselves into now?"

Mutely, trying not to breathe, Jim pointed to a large sign proclaiming FOODCOURTIA.

"Food what?" Artie passed the handkerchief to Lily, lest she pass out. "Food? Is _that _what the smell is supposed to be?" He shuddered. "All right, we're out of here!"

"No argument from me," Jim agreed. They closed the door and gently disappeared, just as an announcement blared over the public address system to inform everyone that the Great Foodening was about to begin.

…

The TARDIS doors opened to a pleasant vista. They were in a forest, tall trees towering over them, gentle sunlight shafting down through the canopy. Blue sky dotted with fleecy clouds arched beyond the tree tops. A fresh breeze wafted past them, bringing with it the natural aromas of the native flora, along with the sound of rushing water some little distance away.

"Ah," said Artie, beaming, "now this is more like it! The forest primeval!" He went to one of the cabinets and fetched out a blanket. "I'd suggest a picnic," he added, "but as we all just ate, we can, uh, just go find that stream and gaze at it. Lily my love?" He crooked his elbow, and she smiled at him and took his arm.

"Sounds nice," said Jim, "but I'm not exactly dressed for this." He gestured at his formal attire.

"Oh," said Artie, glancing at the elegant clothes both he and Lily were wearing as well. "Good idea. Let's get changed."

Jim closed the TARDIS door and they all headed down the corridor for the bedrooms. Just as Artie was about to follow his wife into their room, Jim caught his arm and whispered in his ear. Artie broke out in a broad grin, murmured, "Thanks, pal!" and gave his best friend a wink and a pat on the shoulder. Jim chuckled as Artie disappeared through the door, then went on to his own room to find something a bit more appropriate for tramping through the woods.


	11. Act 3, Part 2

**Act Three, Part Two ~~~~**

Artie held the door for Lily as they returned to the console room. He was now wearing his fringed jacket and some sturdy pants tucked into knee-high boots; Lily had opted for a riding skirt and blouse. While she had been rummaging in her walk-in closet, agonizing over her choices, Artie had held his gun belt in his hands for a minute, making his own choice. This was a forest; perhaps he would need a weapon. And yet, this was a honeymoon; perhaps his bride would find the presence of a revolver upsetting. In the end he had hung the gun belt back up and tucked a few of his workaday surprises into his pockets as a compromise. He hoped he wouldn't regret the lack of the gun, and hoped also he wouldn't need the surprises.

And now, as they passed through the console room, Artie picked up the blanket once more and preceded Lily to the door. "Oh!" she said, glancing around. "But where's Jim?"

"Oh, he, ah, he said he might be a bit late and for us to go on without him," said Artie casually.

She shot him a look. "Oh, he did, did he?" She came to Artie's side and tucked her hand through his arm. "Why, that sweetheart, he's giving us some time to ourselves!"

Artie was about to open the door when he suddenly snapped his fingers and said, "Oh, right!"

"What is it?" asked Lily as he hurried over to the console. She watched him poking at some controls and clattering at the typewriter.

"Nothing to worry about, Lil. I just forgot to do something, that's all."

"Forgot to do what?"

There was a soft _ding_, and a little door opened in the side of the console. Artie reached inside and withdrew something, then held it out to her. "I forgot to give you your own key to the TARDIS," he explained.

"Oh!" She accepted the key, which was on a long chain. Artie graciously helped her to fasten the chain about her neck, and she tucked the key out of sight under her blouse.

"There," said Artie. "Perfect. And now, Mrs Gordon, if you're ready to go?"

"I certainly am, Mr Gordon!" Arm in arm, with Artie carrying the blanket, they stepped out of the TARDIS, locked up, and strolled off into the forest.

…

Shortly afterward Jim, in his usual attire of bolero jacket and trim matching trousers, exited the TARDIS and looked around. He could see the trail Artie and Lily had made easily enough, but not wanted to intrude on their privacy, he set off in a different direction. Soon he spotted another trail with a puzzling set of tracks like nothing he had ever seen before. Wondering just what sort of wildlife this place had anyway, Jim drew the revolver from his holster and set off following the tracks.

…

"Oh, Artemus! It's divine!"

"It is beautiful, at that," he responded. The sound of the rushing waters had led them to the banks of a picturesque river. Trees that reminded Artie and Lily of weeping willows trailed their lissome branches into the dappled water as the slight current slipped lazily along. "Curious though…" he added.

"What is?"

"The fact that we can hear a strong sound of surging water, but the sound obviously isn't coming from this part of the river. I mean, look at it!"

She nodded, her face puzzled. "It certainly is quiet."

"C'mon, Lil. I want to find where the sound is coming from." He caught her hand and started upstream.

"Oh, but, Artie! This is a lovely place right here!"

He smiled. "Of course it is, Lily. But you know me; I hate to leave any mystery unsolved. Besides, it can't be much farther on. Let's go!"

…

Jim stood perfectly still, watching. The creatures weren't yet aware of him, and he wanted to keep it that way. What amazing creatures they were, though! The fact that they had four hoofed feet made him want to call them horses; the fact that they weren't nearly as tall as horses caused him to revise that to ponies. But the fact that the creatures also had tails like whips, skin that was scaly and green, and best of all, they had long necks ending in heads with beaks instead of muzzles - yes, that caused Jim to settle on a final designation for the creatures as Weird as All Get Out. What would Artie make of such beings? They seemed to be reptilian, but were certainly like no reptiles Jim had ever seen before.

There were four of them, two larger, two smaller, so that Jim supposed they might be a family unit. They browsed peacefully in the undergrowth of the forest, one of the larger ones keeping watch as the others ate. They hadn't yet noticed that they had an audience.

Then the breeze shifted. The one on watch gave a strange sound and the other three instantly lifted their heads, all four of them staring in Jim's direction. The creatures stamped at the ground, snorted, then abruptly wheeled and galloped off through the trees and out of sight.

Jim stood for a moment longer, then gave a philosophical shrug and sauntered off through the trees to see what else he might find.

…

Artie and Lily made their way up the river as the rushing sound grew louder and louder and the waters moved faster and faster. Eventually they came to a small rise and Artie helped Lily to the top of it.

And there they stopped and stared.

Here at last they had found the source of the roaring of the water. Before them in a grand panorama rose up a great cliff face, and all along that face, well over a mile wide, poured a magnificent waterfall, the waters pounding into a mist-shrouded pool at the bottom from which separated no less than five streams, some larger, some smaller. A rainbow shimmered in the mist, eliciting admiring gasps from the happy honeymooners.

"Oh, Artemus! It's beautiful!" She clutched at his arm and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

"This must be the place," he responded. He shook out the blanket and spread it on the ground. "Milady." He bowed and helped her to settle on the ground cloth. Then he seated himself beside her and took her hand in his own.

"Oh, Artie, how gorgeous this all is! So beautiful, so peaceful. Idyllic. Utterly idyllic," she rhapsodized. "Do you know where we are?"

He shrugged. "Does it matter?"

"No, I suppose not."

He slipped an arm around her back and she leaned against him, snuggling close. "I love you," she murmured, "my darling Romeo."

He chuckled. "My beauteous Juliet," he returned and kissed her, gently at first, but with growing ardor. She kissed him back just as passionately, the roaring of the waterfall blocking them both from hearing a shrill whisper of voices hissing to each other:

"Romeo! She called him Romeo!"

"And he called her Juliet as well! You don't suppose…?"

…

Jim was nearly back to the TARDIS when he heard something crashing through the underbrush, heading his way. Instantly he drew his revolver and hid behind a tree, peering out cautiously to see what was coming.

Now he began to hear sobs as well. Seconds later, a woman in a riding skirt burst through the undergrowth. "Lily!" he called.

She looked around frantically, spotted him, then threw herself into his arms. "Oh, Jim! Jim, hurry! Help!"

"What's wrong, Lily? And where's Artie?"

Clinging to her husband's best friend, she raised her tear-streaked face and exclaimed, "We were attacked!"


	12. Act 3, Part 3

**Act Three, Part Three ~~~~**

Artie still wasn't quite sure what had just happened. One moment he was happily canoodling with his wife, and the next a shrill cry of, "This, by his voice, should be a Montague!" rang out and a pair of swordsmen bounded out of the bushes at them.

Except they weren't men; they were strange little creatures. No more than three feet tall they were, and with their broad, furry, short-muzzled faces and bright button eyes, they appeared for all the world to be miniature bears. And yet they were bears who could speak, for both of them were pouring forth iambic pentameter in the Bard's English.

The two were dressed - yes, dressed! Bears in clothes! - in curious styles that looked not so much Elizabethan as piratical, with long flowing sleeves and high black boots. All right, granted that with the shortness of leg on the bears, the boots didn't have to be very tall at all to come up over their knees - but still: bears in clothing quoting Shakespeare!

And worst of all, bears armed with swords. With cries of "What, dares the slave come hither?" and "To strike him dead I hold it not a sin!" the pair of swordsbears closed in on the honeymooning couple and one of the creatures, Artie was sure, came mighty close to skewering him.

Grabbing Lily, Artie rolled, carrying himself and her off the blanket and into a small copse of trees. As the swordsbears continued to advance, Artie watched his chance, then took it: he snagged the edge of the blanket and yanked it out from under the declaiming bears, sending them both tumbling.

"Run, Lily!"

"But, Artie, what are you going to do?"

"Distract them, of course, so you can get away! Now, run! Go get Jim!"

She scrambled up and pelted off, even as the two bears got themselves upright again.

"Boy, this shall not excuse the injuries that thou hast done me; therefore turn and draw!" cried one of the bears, and he slashed at Artie, who was now deeply regretting having left his gun belt in the TARDIS. He wasn't completely weaponless though. Snatching up a long and sturdy stick, Artie parried the rapier in the hand - paw? no, it looked like a hand - in the hand of the bear, then countered with a thrust. The bear's shiny black eyes lit with joy. "Lay on, McDuff!" he cried as he pressed his attack.

"Wrong!" hollered the other bear. "That's Macb… ah, ah, ah, that's the play whose name must not be spoken!"

"Oh dear, you're right," said the first bear. "Dreadfully sorry for the confusion, Romeo old bean. Let's get on with it then. Ah… oh yes!" And he repeated his last line but one: "Boy, this shall not excuse the injuries that thou hast done me; therefore turn and draw!"

"But wait!" the other bear interrupted again. "He's not armed properly. That's hardly sporting!"

"True, true," said the first. "Wilt thou lend him thy rapier, my good fellow?"

"With a will, good Tybalt," the second responded and, reversing the blade, he held the hilt out to Artemus.

"But I don't want to fight you," said Artie, ignoring the proffered sword.

The two bears grinned at each other. "He doth protest he never injur'd me!" called the one.

"I'm not Romeo!" said Artie. "And you - no, stop that! You can't be Tybalt!"

"O calm, dishonourable, vile submission! Alla stoccata carries it away," declaimed the second bear. Giving up on supplying his sword to the purported Romeo, he reversed the blade again and took a ready stance against his companion bear. "Tybalt, you ratcatcher, will you walk?"

Turning gleefully, Tybalt cried, "What wouldst thou have with me?'

And as the other continued on with, "Good King of Cats," Artie gaped for a moment, then blurted, "And you can't be Mercutio either. Now stop it! Will the two of you just stop it?"

But they didn't. They went on filling the air with eager iambs as they hacked at each other. Artie soon found himself saying, "Gentle Mercutio, put thy rapier up," and nearly gave himself a slap across the cheek. "I am not Romeo!" he muttered crossly.

The bears went on fighting. It wasn't the best fencing Artie had ever seen, whether stage or authentic, but it certainly was some of the most enthusiastic. Before he could stop himself, he was falling into character again, bringing forth the lines: "Gentlemen, for shame! forbear this outrage! Tybalt, Mercutio, the Prince expressly hath forbid this bandying in Verona streets. Hold, Tybalt! Good Mercutio!"

Artie instantly regretted it, for as he finished that speech, Tybalt, with a maniacal gleam in his eye, thrust his blade at Mercutio, who groaned and fell over on the blanket.

"No!" cried Artie in horror. As Tybalt drew back, Artie dropped to his knees by the supine little bear. "Mercutio, no!"

The little fellow fluttered his eyelids open. "I am hurt," he whispered hoarsely. "A… a plague o' both your houses! I am sped."

Artie tore open the bear's ruffled shirt, searching for the wound to hold it closed with direct pressure. "I should have just lobbed a smoke bomb at the two of them right from the start," he reproached himself. "I can't believe this. First they want to fight me, then they start fighting each other…"

"No, no," murmured Mercutio. "You're supposed to say, 'Courage, man. The hurt cannot be much.' "

"Cannot be much!" Artie exclaimed, unable to find the wound - or indeed, any blood. "In fact, it's nothing at all! You're not wounded; you're just holding his blade between your arm and your side!"

"Shh!" Mercutio replied. "Now give me my cue. I'm dying to do the 'nor so wide as a church door' line!"

"Dying, indeed!" Artie snorted. Bounding to his feet, he announced, "I am not playing your little game. Now what's going on here?"

A small sound behind him announced that Tybalt, just as the stage directions foretold, had returned. He looked at Artie expectantly, and when the man only glared at him in return, leaned closer and prompted, "Your line is, 'Alive in triumph, and Mercutio slain?' "

"I know what my line is!" Artie growled. "Or no, what Romeo's line… That is… I'm not Romeo!"

The bears looked at each other. Sitting up, Mercutio ventured, "Benvolio then?"

"But _she _was calling him Romeo," said Tybalt.

"Yes, and she's Juliet," added Mercutio.

"No, she's not! She's Lily, my wife. We just like to call each other Romeo and Juliet for pet names and… Anyway! What's going on here?"

"We could take him to the Prince of Verona," said Tybalt.

"The Prince of… Oh, yes, of course!" said Mercutio. "Yes, certainly, he ought to be the Prince, obviously. Although," he added, glancing about doubtfully, "shouldn't he be showing up soon? He's supposed to enter shortly after you and I are slain."

"Oh, you know how he is! He's always missing his cues. Come on!" And to Artie, with a low bow, Tybalt said, "Hence, be gone, away! Why dost thou stay?"

"I don't think that quite fits, Tybalt," said Mercutio, passing his companion's sword back to him.

"Close enough," the other bear said confidently. "Come along!"


	13. Act 3, Part 4

**Act Three, Part Four ~~~~**

The parcel of land on which the foregoing had been staged was tucked into a V between two of the five streams that flowed out from the pool under the long waterfall. Artie and Lily had followed the river on the left-hand side of the V upstream until they found the waterfall, and now the pair of swordsbears led Artie off downstream along the right-hand branch.

The high ground on the far side of this stream gradually grew lower, and at length they came to a rustic bridge and crossed over. The two swordsbears fell silent now and shushed the human as well.

"Something wrong?"

"No, not wrong really," said Tybalt. "It's just that the two of us were sent to come around the other way with cat-like tread upon our prey to steal; in silence dread, our cautious way to feel."

Mercutio nodded happily and joined his fellow bear, their voices gradually getting louder, "No sound at all, we never speak a word! A fly's foot-fall would be distinctly heard!"

Artie stopped and stared at them. "You're singing! And I don't recognize that song. Whatever it is, it certainly isn't from _Romeo and Juliet_."

"We've probably missed that part entirely," Mercutio muttered sadly. "And I do so love it when the cannons start firing!"

"What?"

But they only shushed Artie again. From beyond the trees just ahead of them, voices were raised in argument: "I'm not singing it!"

"Oh but, please, Major General…"

"And I'm not the Major General! C'mon, guys, can't I just for once be a supernumerary in your shenanigans? Surely one of you was already the Major General before I showed up. _Someone _had to sing the patter song, right?" That voice had the pleading tone of a man just on the verge of losing… well, losing either his patience or his sanity.

"Quite right! Quite right!" another voice blustered - although the squeakiness of this voice cut the heart right out of its bombast.

The two swordsbears grinned at each other. "There's the Prince!" said Tybalt, and he pushed through the line of trees and strode forward, bringing Artie with him. "Oh noble Prince! I can discover all. Here is Romeo!"

A susurration of voices, all repeating the name "Romeo!" in varying degrees of disbelief, greeted this declaration. The swordsbears and Artie had come upon a tableau of some two or three dozen bears in front of a charming little English manor house. About a third of the bears were dressed piratically, the same as Tybalt and Mercutio; another third were dressed as police officers with white gloves, high domed hats, and truncheons; and the final third were she-bears in frilly ankle-length flannel nightgowns with mobcaps on their heads. At least, Artie assumed they were she-bears; they did seem to be female, although there was also something a bit off about them.

Something a bit off about talking dressed-up bears… Artie gave his head a good shake.

Standing right in the midst of all the bears was one solitary human.

"Romeo!" the man cried. "What off Earth? I thought…" He looked at the little bears surrounding him. "I thought this was…" He grabbed at his head in a daze. "No no no, you're doing it to me again! I came out here because I'd received reports in Mixumaxu that there were pirates operating along the river. And when I get here, I find that you locals have declared this spot to be Penzance, so of course you _have _to have pirates…"

"The famous pirates of Penzance, yes!" cried one of the pirate bears, drawing his sword and waving it in the air to the full-throated endorsement of his fellow pirates.

"The next thing I know, you've declared me to be the Major General - which is _not _going to happen!" And the man glared at the bears surrounding him. Most of the bears looked downcast at this announcement, the she-bears in particular all crying out, "But, Papa!" Only one of the bears, a particularly portly fellow in a brocade dressing gown with a monocle screwed into one eye, greeting the man's denial with an approving, "Hear, hear! Pip pip cheerio, and all that rot!"

"And after all that, suddenly these two show up with Romeo and greet me as the Prince?" The man waved a hand at Artie and his escorts. "The Prince of Verona, I presume. But aren't you mixing your plays?"

"Milord," said Tybalt with a low bow. "This man is indeed Romeo, for Mercutio and I did overhear him speaking tender words of love to the fair Juliet, even calling her by that blessèd name, and she did in her turn him call Romeo."

Mercutio tugged on his sleeve and said in a clear and ringing stage whisper, "Indeed, good Tybalt, it was she who spoke first and he afterward."

"What difference makes it who spoke first and who replied?" said Tybalt. Turning again to the Prince… er, the man amongst the three parties of bears, that is, Tybalt bowed yet again and said, "Good my Prince, we have brought the miscreant to thee to know thy pleasure."

"My pleasure?" said the man. "My pleasure would be to wake up some morning and stay myself all day." Holding out a hand to Artie, he said, "Hello. I'm Alexander Jones, the Plenipotentiary here on Toka. Which basically means I have the dubious honor of riding herd over the most literal-minded, reality-challenged sentient teddy bears in the known universe."

"Teddy bears?" echoed Artie. He frowned; what on earth were teddy bears?

"But who off Earth are you?" added Alex. "People aren't supposed to just land here on Toka without clearance, and all clearance has to go through me, and I don't remember clearing you."

"Oh, well, I'm…" Artie began, only to be drowned out by a voice crying, "Frederic!"

"Yes?" said one of the pirate bears, turning to the she-bear who had just interrupted Artie.

"No, not _you_," she said to him coldly. And casting her bright button eyes upon Artie, she simpered and said again, "Frederic!"

"Um… no…" said Artie. And at the same time, Alex groaned and muttered, "Not again!"

Leaning closer to Alex, Artie asked, "What's going on?" But before the plenipotentiary could reply, the she-bear rushed to Artie's side and grasped his hand. "Frederic, save us!" she said, although it sounded more like singing than ordinary speech.

"But _I'm _Frederic!" declared the pirate bear who had spoken to her not a minute before.

"You _were_," she said. Tipping up her head and thrusting out what minuscule chin she had, she added, "And now _he _is."

Alex's face was hidden behind his hands. "No no no…" he groaned.

"Who's Frederic?" asked Artie.

"You are!" cried the little she-bear blissfully, while beside her, the pirate bear continued to insist that, no, _he _was Frederic. Then Tybalt and Mercutio chimed in to maintain that, no, this man was Romeo.

And into the midst of all that, the other she-bears smirked at each other and sang in chorus: "The question is, had he not been a thing of beauty, would she be swayed by quite as keen a sense of duty?"

At that, a gleam sprang up in the eyes of the little she-bear at Artie's side. Clasping her hands over her heart, she burst forth into song: "Poor wandering one!"

Meanwhile, raising his voice, Tybalt proclaimed, "No, 'tis he, that villain Romeo! Uncle, this is a Montague, our foe; a villain, that is hither come in spite to scorn at our solemnity this night!"

Much confusion ensued, with some of the bears crying out the name of Frederic and others that of Romeo, while the she-bear's coloratura soared above it all. Wincing, Alex glanced at Artie and jerked his head, inviting him to a private conference. Artie agreed with alacrity and followed Mr Jones around the side of the manor house. The din of the squeaking bear voices was there only a dim piping in the background.

"Whew," suspired Alex. "Maybe we can talk now. Let's see. I introduced myself to you, but you never got around to telling me who you are."

"That's right."

Alex waited a moment, and when no further answer was forthcoming, he said, "So who are you?"

Artie had been trying to come up with a good cover story, but finally settled on, "Just a fellow out on his honeymoon. Your little bear friends overheard my wife and me calling each other Romeo and Juliet and they, well…"

"…spun it all out of proportion. Yes, they're good at that." He shot Artie a sidelong look. "Wait a minute! Honeymoon? Toka's become a honeymoon destination? When did that happen? And why didn't anyone tell me?"

"No, no, no! We just… we just came here on a whim. It's fine." Pointing back the way he'd come, Artie added, "And that waterfall is gorgeous!"

Alex smiled. "Mm, that's true. Tanni sure likes it."

"Tanni?"

"That's my wife. Speaking of wives, what happened to yours?" Alex glanced around.

"Oh," said Artie. "Well, when the bears…"

"Hokas."

"Hokas? All right, when the Hokas showed up and drew their swords…"

"Yikes!"

"…I told Lily to run back to, uh, to our, ah... ship." Artie didn't really want to get into what kind of ship the TARDIS was, but figured from the way Mr Jones had been talking, this was a planet that was regularly visited by space craft, so the word "ship" was probably safe to use.

"Back to your ship, huh?" said Alex. "That's good. I hope she made it."

"You hope she… What's that supposed to mean?" said Artie as a hint of dread began to stir in his gut.

"There might be Slissii around. Nasty people, the Slissii. Reptilian, vicious." He shuddered, then added, "And for that matter, there might have been other Hokas wandering around, and who knows what fantasy world _they _might be living in." He shook his head. "Sometimes I don't know which is more dangerous: a Slissii living in the real world, or a Hoka living in a book."

"Ah…" said Artie, looking over his shoulder. "You… you think Lily might be in some trouble?"

Alex looked the same way, peering beyond the Hokas who were all in a group now, gesturing and squeaking. The singing, at least, had been left off. Pulling an odd-looking weapon from the holster at his hip, Alex said, "Let's go see." He started off, and Artie hurried along at his side.

**End of Act Three**


	14. Act 4, Part 1

**Act Four, Part One ~~~~**

As Artie and Alex reached the group of Hokas, the little bears moved to block their way. "I'm sorry, my friends," said Alex, trying to edge his way around them, "but we need to go check on… ah, on Juliet." And to Artie he muttered, "Sorry about that, but the quickest way to get somewhere is often to just dive in and let the current take you."

"Juliet? Who is this Juliet of which you speak?" said one of the bears. Curiously, until just moments before, that was the bear Artie had known as Tybalt.

"Oh, good, they've given up on the Shakespeare and gone with Gilbert and Sullivan," murmured Alex. And as Artie stood there wondering who Gilbert and Sullivan might be, Alex said, "All right then, pirates and policemen, if you'll come with us, we need to go make sure this man's wife is safe." He started forward, expecting the Hokas to come with him, but Tybalt stepped into Alex's way, holding up a hand to halt him.

Solemnly, surrounded by his sturdy fellow-bears, Tybalt folded his arms and intoned, "We demand a sacrifice!"

"A… a what?"

"Sacrifice? What are you talking about?" said Artie. "What is it you want?"

As an unholy glee sprang up in the eyes of all the bears, Tybalt added, "We want… a shrubbery!"

"_What?" _said Artie, as Alex dropped his face into his palm and howled, _"No!"_

"What are they talking about?" Artie asked Alex, who only shook his head, still moaning, "No, no, no…"

"Who are we?" said the bear who once was Mercutio, half turning to his companions. "We are…"

And they all cried out, "The knights who say Ni!"

Artie had barely enough time to say, "Wha…?" before he was drowned out by the chorus of "Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!"

Off to the side, shrieks and gasps burst forth from the nightgowned she-bears as every one of them pressed the back of her hand against her brow, then swooned and fainted, falling one after the other like dominos.

Artie looked around, stunned. "Wait. What? What's all that about? All they did was say Ni!"

"Gah!" cried out one of the supine she-bears and she fainted yet more deeply.

Artie looked at Alex. "Do you know what's going on?"

Alex whimpered and nodded. "They've segued. Apparently they couldn't decide between _Romeo _and _Penzance_, so they took a third route."

"And where does that lead?"

"Madness." Turning to the bears of Ni, Alex acquiesced. "All right, all right. You'll get your shrubbery. But… but you must come with us."

"We must?" said the Hokas, their eyes lighting up.

"They must?" said Artie, his face going pale.

"Believe me, it's the quickest way," Alex hissed to him. Then aloud, he proclaimed, "O Knights who say Ni, we must travel beyond yonder bridge to the forest by the waterfall. There we may find you your shrubbery. In fact," he added, speaking over the excited murmuring of the bears, which was mixed with a few calls of "Ni!" and even "Peng! Neee-wom!" "we may find for you _two _shrubberies! And a herring!"

"Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!" chanted the Hokas, and one of them, the smallest of all, gave a squeal of "Oo, bridge!" and ran on ahead.

They set out for the bridge, the Hokas crowding happily about the two humans. The she-bears, arising from their group-faint, produced white linen handkerchiefs and used them to wave good-bye to the knights. Artie could hear their voices in soaring song: "We will say farewell forever! Go to glory and the grave!"

As they headed for the bridge, leaving the ladies behind, Artie happened to notice that there was still one she-bear in the group, an older bear dressed as one of the pirates. Artie started to ask her why she had not remained behind with the gaggle of maidens when he noticed something that made his eyes bulge.

Well, he had thought all along that there was something strange about the she-bears, though the all-encompassing flannel tents the maidenly band had been wearing had baffled his attempts to figure out just what had struck him as so very odd. But now that he looked at this particular female Hoka in her more colorful and - this was the important part - more form-fitting outfit, he saw plainly what was unusual about her and the other girls. It seemed that the she-Hokas were, ah - well, the word endowed came to his mind - yes, endowed with twice the, er, lactational equipment of the female of the species _Homo sapiens_.

Artie quickly found somewhere else to turn his eyes. The she-bear, however, had caught him staring at her and asked, "Is something wrong?"

"Wrong? Oh, oh no. No no. Ah…" Artie tried to cover his discomfiture with a little conversation, and so asked a question that to him seemed perfectly reasonable. "Who are you?"

"Ruth."

Her tone of voice implied that her identity should have been obvious. Artie was silent for a moment, then added, "I'm sorry. Who's Ruth?"

"A piratical maid-of-all-work," she said, or sang.

Still puzzled, Artie asked, "But what does that mean?"

Before she could answer this time, one of the other Hokas replied, quite matter-of-factly, "Oh, she's the witch."

"The what?"

"Not the what, the witch!" And now the Hokas began to gabble, "Witch! Witch! She's a witch!"

"No, she isn't!" exclaimed Artie. "What makes you think she's a witch?"

"That's right, feed them lines," muttered Alex as little Mercutio, with a woebegone face, wailed out, "She turned me into a newt!"

"A newt?" said Artie, skepticism written all over his face.

"But he got better," put in Alex.

"Not yet, I didn't!" Mercutio cried happily.

"Witch! Witch! Burn her! Burn her!" the Hokas chanted as they marched.

"Oh, you wouldn't really!" Artie hollered, trying to quell the crowd, when they reached the bridge and a little Hoka in a long tattered robe popped out from beneath it.

"This…" he intoned dramatically, "…is the Bridge of Death!"

The entire company stopped dead in their tracks.

"If you wish to pass over the Bridge of Death," the Hoka continued in his deepest squeak, "you must answer five questions."

"Three!"

"Hmm? What's that?"

"It's three questions," called out Mercutio. "Not five. Three."

"Three?" The tattered Hoka at the bridge scowled at him. "You're sure about that?"

"Oh, absolutely." And the rest of the Hoka-knights bobbed their heads in agreement.

"Ah. Three then. You must answer three questions! And if you should get any of the answers wrong, you shall be cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril!" He waved at the happy little river flowing placidly under the rustic archway.

"The what?" exclaimed Artie. By his side, Alex was quietly pinching the bridge of his nose and slowly shaking his head.

"Who's going to answer the questions?" asked the tattered Hoka.

"Me! Me! Me!" squealed most of the Hokas, waving their hands and bouncing up and down.

"Sir Robin!" cried out Tybalt.

"Who? What?"

"Which one is Sir Robin?" Artie asked Alex.

The Hokas continued waved their hands and bouncing, crying out, "Me! Me! Me!"

"Oh, _all _of them," said Alex.

"_Brave _Sir Robin!" Tybalt amended.

The Hokas hesitated, and about half of them bowed out of the competition.

Tybalt now clapped a hand on the shoulder of one of the remaining aspirants. "Brave Sir Robin, you go."

Brave Sir Robin hurried forward. "Ask me the questions!" he demanded.

All the Hokas held up one finger.

"What…" said the tattered Hoka, "…is your name?"

"Brave Sir Robin!"

All the little Hokas held up a second finger.

"What…" said the tattered Hoka, "…is your quest?"

"To seek the Holy Grail!"

"That's not right!" Artie said. "We're checking on Lily!" But Alex only shook his head and shushed him.

All the Hokas held up three fingers.

"What…" said the tattered Hoka, "…is the capital of Assyria?"

"I don't know that!" cried Brave Sir Robin. And with a loud shriek of "Auuuugghh!" he leapt up and threw himself into the stream flowing under the bridge.

"Now me!" cried another Hoka.

The scene played itself out again. This time, the Hoka answered the first question with, "Sir Launcelot of Camelot!"

"What… is your quest?"

"To seek the Holy Grail!"

"What… are you doing going second when you were supposed to go first?"

"Well, I… I don't… Auuuugghh!" And he threw himself into the stream as well.

Now more Hokas crowded forward, each one eager to answer the questions, get the third one wrong, and launch himself into the water where the valiant knights of Ni quickly lost themselves in games and swimming. Soon only Alex and Artie were left.

Alex rolled his eyes and stepped up to the bridge.

"What… is your name?"

"Alexander Jones."

"What…is your quest?"

"To find this man's wife." He nodded toward Artie.

"What… is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?"

"Why do you say both air-speed and velocity? Don't they mean the same thing?"

"Well, I… I don't… Auuuugghh!" And the tattered Hoka sprang into the air and landed in the stream as well, joining all his comrades.

"Let's go," said Alex, and he and Artie passed over the bridge, leaving the Hokas behind them, all happily paddling in the water.


	15. Act 4, Part 2

**Act Four, Part Two ~~~~**

"Not much further," said Artie. "Tybalt and Mercutio came at us while we were looking at the falls, just beyond that…"

And as he pointed at a small group of bushes, he caught a glimpse of a man behind them. "Jim!" Artie called out. Grinning, he strode forward and clasped his best friend warmly by the hand. "Oh, James my boy, do I have a tale to tell you!"

"Lily said you were attacked." And Jim cast a wary glance at Alex.

"Indeed we were!" Noting the look on Jim's face, Artie added, "Oh, but not by him. Jim, this is Alexander Jones, the Plenipotentiary of the planet Toka, which is where we are. And Mr Jones, this is my partner, Ji… Wait a minute. Where's Lily?"

"I sent her back to the safety of the TARDIS while I came to help you."

Artie winced. "Uh-oh."

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing, I hope. But according to Mr Jones here, there are dangerous creatures known as the Slissii around."

"Great." Instantly Jim was on the move, heading back toward the TARDIS with Artie on his heels and the plenipotentiary hurrying along behind them.

…

They were nearly to the TARDIS when Jim lifted a hand, bringing them all to a halt. He then hunkered down, studying the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked Alex.

"Signs of a struggle," said Artie, his face going pale. "Jim, do you think…?"

"What do these Slissii look like, Mr Jones?"

"Reptilians."

Jim's face closed down. "That might explain these tracks then. And there are human footprints here also."

"Hu-human?" whispered Artie.

Jim nodded. "I see the mark of a woman's shoe."

Artie went from pale to livid in a heartbeat. "Which way?" he asked briskly.

Jim pointed. The trail ran toward the river. "I'll track them, Artie. You go get the TARDIS."

"Right, Jim." He rushed off while Jim set off following the trail.

Alex, after a moment's hesitation, hurried after Artie. He'd never heard of a TARDIS before, but it was plainly the ship the man had spoken of, and as plenipotentiary, Alex felt it was his duty to inspect whatever technology was being brought in to Toka.

It couldn't be from just plain ol' curiosity to see what kind of ship a TARDIS might be, of course. Oh no, not at all!

…

"Hey!" said Ruth. "Where did the plenipotentiary go?"

The Hokas stopped their playing and looked around. The humans were nowhere in sight.

The smallest Hoka, the erstwhile keeper of the Bridge of Death, said, "They were going to check on Frederic's wife."

"Romeo, you mean."

"Oh, right. Romeo."

"Oh, going to check on Juliet then? I'd like to get a look at the famous Juliet!"

There was enthusiastic agreement with this sentiment.

"Let's go then!" exclaimed Mercutio.

"But the humans can walk so much faster than we can," Brave Sir Robin pointed out.

"That's easy. We'll go back to the house and get some ponies."

The agreement that met that statement was even more enthusiastic than before. Immediately the entire group squelched their way out of the stream and trundled back toward the house for their ponies.

…

Alex was surprised when he and Artie reached, of all things, a small brown cabinet standing in the woods. As Artie fitted the key into the lock, Alex said uncertainly, "This… this isn't your ship, is it?"

"My TARDIS, yes," said Artie, throwing the door open.

"But it's just a box! It can't possibly fly! It's…!" Artie strode inside and Alex, without thinking, followed.

Instantly his tune changed. With a gasp, he exclaimed, "It's bigger on the inside!"

"No, really?" Artie's worry over his wife was bringing out his sarcastic side.

"But… what off Earth?" said Alex. "How can it possibly be bigger on the inside like this?"

"It's a TARDIS," Artie answered perfunctorily as his hands danced over the controls on the console.

"A what?"

"A time machine."

"A… a _time machine! _No!" Frantically Alex glanced around, then let out a huge sigh of relief. "Whew! I'm just glad there weren't any Hokas around to hear you mention a time machine. The last thing I need is for the whole bunch of them to start playing Eloi and Morlocks!"

"Who?"

"The, ah, the characters in the book by H G Wells, of course," said Alex, shooting his companion an odd look. How could the man have never heard of the Eloi and the Morlocks?

"Aha!" cried Artie and pointed at the monitor screen. "There they are. One human and eight… well… things. They've crossed over the river and are headed in that direction."

Alex took a look and nodded grimly. "They're taking her to one of their ancestral camps."

"Ancestral. I hope that doesn't mean what I think it means."

"A place where they do grisly things to their captives? I hope not too, but you can never tell with Slissii. They aren't as imaginative as the Hokas, but they do tend to play the roles assigned to them to the hilt."

"Great," muttered Artie. "All right, let's go!" He found the controls for spatial flight, and the TARDIS soared into the air.


	16. Act 4, Part 3

**Act Four, Part Three ~~~~**

The tracks led Jim straight to the placid river where he paused briefly, looking things over. A clever man, he knew - or clever creature, for that matter - would take advantage of passing through the water to throw off pursuit by traveling either upstream or down before leaving the river. But which direction? The landscape across from him to the right rose into rugged highlands upstream, while to the left it settled into gently rolling prairie.

Which direction? Would the Slissii, with a woman as hostage, have taken the easy route or the hard one? If they had gone to the left, they would be able to make more speed, putting more distance between themselves and any pursuers. Going to the right would slow them down more and…

Ah. Going to the right would carry them closer to the waterfall and the other streams that flowed out from it. Unless they were planning to cross stream after stream, they would quickly find themselves boxed in. Jim waded across the ford and turned to the left.

He was beginning to think he'd guessed wrong before he at last spotted the tracks again, a few hundreds yards below the ford. Here were the strange marks of the Slissii, moving in single-file to hide their numbers, with occasional clear impressions of the sole of a woman's shoe. Lily was walking, though some of the marks showed she'd been dragged a few steps.

If she was walking, she was conscious, and that was good news. Jim set out following the trail that snaked through the tall grasses of the prairie. It ran up and over a broad hillock a hundred yards ahead of him; he wouldn't be able to see more until he topped the hillock.

From behind him, Jim felt a sudden sharp breeze and glanced back. And there, floating about a foot off the ground, was his partner's TARDIS. The brown cabinet settled to the ground, and then the door opened and out popped Artie.

With a crook of an eyebrow, Jim said, "I know you said that thing would fly, but somehow I really didn't picture it hovering like that."

"I didn't want to go through the Time Vortex for such a short skip," said Artie. He nodded toward the ridge before them. "According to the scanner here, Lily and her captors should be about a thousand yards that way."

"All right," said Jim, "let's have a look." He pulled a spyglass from his pocket and headed up the hillside, dropping to the ground just short of the top. Artie joined him, and moments later someone else landed on the ground next to them.

Glancing over, Artie asked, "What are you doing here, Mr Jones?"

"Asking myself that very same question," the plenipotentiary replied.

"This isn't your fight," said Jim. He popped his head up high enough to get a glimpse of what lay beyond the ridge. He saw a long, wide prairie, hemmed in on the far side by yet another ridge. The ground in between was covered with tall grasses. There were no trees nor any real cover to speak of. About two-thirds of the way across, at the end of a wake of trampled grass, were the eight Slissii, one of them carrying Lily slung over its shoulder - unless that was a back. Jim took a close look, then passed the spyglass on to Artie.

"Well, she doesn't look hurt, just angry," Artie said in relief. He could see his wife beating her fists on the scaly hide of the monster as it hauled her along like a sack of flour. He could also read her lips as she cried out for the thing to let her go. He gave a low whistle and a chuckle. "Why, Lily my love," he murmured, "I didn't know you knew words like that!"

"Why, what's she saying?"

Artie shrugged. "Oh, something very colorful, that's all, having to do with the marital status of the Slissii's ancestors."

"I don't think they actually do marry," put in Alex Jones. "But then, not much is known of Slissii society." He pointed toward the ridge on the far side of the prairie and added, "But I do know that's where they'll be going. That structure there."

Artie adjusted the spyglass to take a closer look. "What is that, some sort of cairn?"

"Cairn is as good a name for those things as any," said Alex. "We've found them scattered all over Toka, but the Slissii have never explained why they built them, and the Hokas have more explanations for where those glorified rock piles came from than I can shake a stick at."

"Hokas?" said Jim as he accepted the spyglass back from Artie and studied the scene for himself.

"The little bear-like people who attacked Lily and me, Jim. But don't worry, they're friendly."

"Oh, friendly!" muttered Alex.

"Well, they didn't actually hurt anyone, did they?"

"Artie," said Jim, "do you think you can land the TARDIS on the other side of that cairn?"

"Well, sure, Jim."

"All right then, come on." Jim hopped up, tucking the spyglass into a pocket as he led the way back into the TARDIS. Once inside, Artie headed for the console to fiddle with the controls. Shortly the brown box was in the air again. Artie piloted her around to the right, using the higher hills in that direction as cover, then slipped in behind the cairn and thumped gently to the ground.

Jim gave his partner a pat on the arm. "Nice landing, Artie. You'd think you'd been flying one of these all your life." Crossing to one of the cabinets along the wall of the console room, Jim asked, "Mr Jones?"

"Yes?"

"What sort of weaponry are the Slissii likely to carry?"

"As far as I know, nothing more advanced than old-fashioned shooting irons," said Alex. He paused and added, "Ah, rather like the gun _you're_ carrying. I don't think they'll have raythrowers."

"Raythrowers?"

"These." Alex unholstered his Holman raythrower and held it up for Jim and Artie to see. It was a sleek device, light-weight and streamlined, with no chamber for bullets and no trigger either. Only a small button graced the front of the handgrip, while a small dial marking out a range from one to eleven was set into the top of its shiny chassis.

"What does it fire?" asked Artie.

"Energy."

"Ener…!"

"I'd like to see that."

"Yeah, well," said Alex, holstering the weapon again, "I don't think there's anything in this room you'd like me to burn into a crispy critter."

"What's the dial for?" asked Artie.

"To set it for a wider or narrower beam." He glanced at them. "You've never seen raythrowers?"

"Time machine," said Artie succinctly.

Jim had returned to the cabinet and was helping himself to a rifle and some ammunition for it. Artie now joined him, taking a rifle and ammo as well. As both men checked to be sure their weapons were fully loaded, Alex said suddenly, "By the way, a little earlier one of you mentioned that this isn't my fight. I'd just like to point out that, as I am the plenipotentiary here, any incidents between Tokan inhabitants and offworlders, such as you gentlemen, automatically are my business."

Artie turned to look at him. "Are you telling me we need your permission to rescue my wife?" he said, his voice low and dangerous.

"Oh, good Heavens, no!" said Alex. "Some tin dictator of a bureaucrat once tried to stop me from rescuing _my _wife; I certainly know better than to stand in any man's way when his wife is in alien hands. It's just… well… try to avoid bloodshed, all right?"

"The Slissii kidnapped Lily," said Jim softly, his blue eyes intense. "Whatever happens to them now, they deserve it."

Alex nodded. "I understand. But whatever you two do, I'm the one who'll have to fill out all the forms - in quadruplicate, no less - and answer all the idiotic questions. Just try to make my life easy for me if you can. All right?"

"All right," said Artie. "We'll smack their little hands and tell them to be good boys." He hefted the rifle and followed Jim out the door. Moving to either side of the cairn, they cautiously peeked out.


	17. Act 4, Part 4

**Act Four, Part Four ~~~~**

The Slissii were still on the move and definitely heading for the cairn. They were close enough now that Lily's voice could be heard fulminating, "Let me go! Put me down, you horrible lizard!"

"Jim!" hissed Artie.

Jim looked over to see his partner with a small glass orb in his hand. Discerning Artie's intent, Jim nodded.

Artie nodded in return and gave a piercing whistle. The Slissii stopped in their tracks, looking all around, murmuring at each other, obviously not knowing where the sound had come from. Artie saw Lily looking around as well. He waved, catching her attention, then mimed taking a big breath and put a hand over his nose. She nodded and he saw her do as he'd requested: she filled her lungs and held her breath.

Unfortunately, one of the Slissii spotted Artie as well. With a snarl, the big reptile turned to its companions and pointed at Artie.

But by then it was too late anyhow. Artie flung the little glass orb with all his might.

_Pow! _The glass broke, spewing out a rapidly expanding cloud of fuchsia smoke, hiding the Slissii and Lily from sight. Neither Jim nor Artie was particularly concerned; once the smoke cleared, they knew, all the Slissii would be unconscious, and they could just walk out there and collect Lily.

The tendrils of smoke began to curl away, carried by the light breeze. And as the haze thinned and blew away, there left behind…

…were eight angry Slissii, still very much awake and aware!

"The knock-out gas didn't work!" exclaimed Artie.

"Urk," said Alex. "Is that what that was? The Slissii don't necessarily react to chemicals the same way humans do. Alien physiology, you know."

"Great!" muttered Jim. He leveled the rifle at the Slissii, aiming at the one farthest from Lily, not wanting to hit her. As Jim was about to squeeze off a shot, the creature that was carrying the woman flung her to the ground, hissing out something sibilant. The others took up the cry as well, and all eight charged at the cairn.

Jim shot. The bullet found its mark and that Slissii spun and fell to the ground. As Jim aimed at another of the creatures, however, the wounded Slissii surged up again, anger blazing from its eyes as it rushed toward Jim. The agent shifted his rifle back to draw a new bead on the wounded one - and just then the air from behind Jim sizzled as a streak of light zapped past him. A round black mark appeared on the chest of the wounded Slissii. It howled and fell.

Jim glanced at Alex. "I thought you didn't want any bloodshed," said Jim as he shot another Slissii, hoping that he was aiming for the monster's heart.

"Yeah, well, I just remembered a couple of things," said the plenipotentiary. "One is that the only time I ever fought these creatures, I was shnockered on Hokan firewater."

"And the other?"

"That the blood I most particularly don't want shed is my own!" And Alex fired again, wincing when he missed.

…

Across the river, several sets of ursine ears pricked up and the Hokas reined in their ponies.

"Someone's firing off shootin' irons!"

"And I hear a raythrower, too!"

Eagerly the Hokas looked around. "Thataway!" they cried and slapped the reins on their ponies, galloping toward the sound.

…

Artie fired two or three shots at the onrushing reptiles, then yanked out another glass orb and threw it. He didn't bother with a knock-out bomb this time. The saffron fumes that roiled out from the latest bomb were instead intended as a smoke screen to hide his movements from the enemy. He scuttled out from behind the cairn and, bending low, ran for the spot where he had last seen Lily.

Jim, comprehending what his partner was up to, kept up the firing to draw the Slissii's attention away from Artie and Lily.

Artie flung himself to the ground by his wife's side. "Here I am, Lily!"

"Oh, Artemus! Oh, I'm so glad!" She threw her arms around him and he helped her to her feet. As soon as she took one step, though, she nearly collapsed. Only the fact that Artie was holding her kept her from falling.

"What's wrong?"

"My, my ankle!" she wailed.

"All right, I'll carry you." And juggling his rifle, he swept his wife up into his arms.

"Artie! Watch out!" called Jim.

The smoke was clearing, and the Slissii now spotted their prisoner in the arms of her rescuer. Three of the big lizards, hissing and slavering, rushed to block the humans' way back to the cairn.

"Great," muttered Artie. He set Lily down again, stepped in front of her, aimed his rifle at the closest Slissii, and fired.

The rest of the Slissii pressed in toward Jim and Alex. Each of the men kept firing his weapon at the reptiles, even though the creatures seemed to mostly just shrug off the hits. And then a thought struck Jim. Reaching inside his jacket, he pulled out a certain item Artie had given him recently. He dialed a setting as Artie had showed him, then pointed the sonic screwdriver at the top of the cairn and thumbed the switch.

An electronic whine cut through the air, drowned out almost immediately by a deep rumbling as the topmost rocks of the cairn slid forward, tumbling onto two of the Slissii. The others jumped back, hissing in shock, as the ones menacing Artie and Lily whirled to see what had happened.

Artie yanked out his own sonic screwdriver as well, dialing in a setting in the dog whistle range and switching it on. The humans heard nothing, but the Slissii howled, grabbing at their heads. "C'mon, Lily!" Artie urged. He hauled her upright and tried to make for the TARDIS.

…

Just over the ridge, along by the river, the little group of Hokas reined up again as a sound they'd never heard before poured over them.

"What is that?"

"It's coming from over that ridge."

"Let's have a look!"

The Hokas kicked up their ponies and stormed over the ridge. Spotting the knot of Slissii, the Hokas cried out, "Greenskins!" and, as one, the brave little bears charged at their ancestral enemies, each Hokan throat shrilling out a war cry:

"_Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!" _

"_Tarantara!"_

"_Peng!" _

"_Come, friends who plow the sea!"_

"_Neee-wom!"_

"_We charge you yield in Queen Victoria's name!"_

And above the rest rose the voice of the smallest Hoka of all, belting out, _"Ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-pikang-zoop-boing-goodem-zoo- owli-zhiv!"_

Caught between the screeching sonic screwdrivers and the shrieking Hokas, the Slissii were abruptly seized by panic. They raced around, howling and hissing and running into each other, until they finally scattered off in a dozen different directions - which was no mean feat, considering that there had been only eight of them to start with.

With the Slissii gone, Jim and Artie turned off their sonic screwdrivers and Alex holstered his raythrower. The Hokas thundered the rest of the way across the prairie, reined up, and dismounted. Spotting a human woman being held in the arms of the man he knew as Romeo, the smallest Hoka let out a squeak of "Juliet!"

Instantly all the Hokas mobbed her.

…

On a hill overlooking the curious structure toward which the Slissii had been carrying their captive stood a tall man of regal bearing. He frowned. The creatures had failed in the mission he had set them. He was not entirely surprised that they had failed, though the manner in which the task had come to ruin had certainly shocked him.

Still, this was for him merely a surveillance exercise. He had wished to observe the two Secret Service agents' reactions to the disappearance of Mrs Gordon. Had the Slissii managed to elude the two agents and deliver the woman into his hands, that would have been an added bonus to be sure, but it was not an outcome he had really expected.

But no matter. He had learned something important. Captain West and Mr Gordon were now in the possession of sonic screwdrivers. This meant, no doubt, that Mr Gordon had recovered his memories and his heritage.

This still left the question of whether the little message he had left for Mr Gordon in the year 2012 had come to the man's attention yet, and he did so want Mr Gordon - or as he thought of him, Peregrine - to know what was awaiting the lovely Mrs Gordon, and to know who would be behind it.

He smiled. "Ah, and I do indeed treasure those lines which Mr Melville put into the mouth of his Captain Ahab. If any man understood revenge, it was he! And for my revenge to be complete, my dear old friend Peregrine must have not only a wife to lose, but a child as well!"

The aristocratic man stood a moment longer, meditating on the future he hoped shortly to bring about. And then he strode down the back of the hill and entered the lacquered cabinet that had brought him here to Toka. Moments later, with great wheezings and groanings, the cabinet faded out, carrying Professor Harlequin away to a new time and place for his next meeting with Mr West, Mr Gordon, and especially Mrs Gordon.

**End of Act Four**


	18. Tag

**Tag ~~~~**

Artie started to carry Lily into the TARDIS to tend to her injury, but the happy Hokas wouldn't let him. Instead, he had to fetch out a chair for her to sit in so he could wrap her ankle. Lily tried at first to convince her furry admirers that she really wasn't Juliet, but there was no deterring them. In the end she found herself obliging them with quotes from the Bard, much to their rhapsodic delight.

Jim took a few moments to admire the Hokas' ponies, which were the same sort of creatures he'd seen wild in forest. Then, watching how the Hokas thronged around Lily, their bright black eyes shining with adulation, he turned to Alex Jones and asked, "How do you put up with them?"

"I ask myself that very question every single day," the plenipotentiary replied.

Artie finished wrapping Lily's ankle, only to find the little Hokas were still too ecstatic over meeting Juliet to let him move her on into the TARDIS. "Oh, I'm fine, Artemus, truly I am," she said at last.

"All right," he said dubiously. "I'll be over here with Jim, then."

She nodded as the smallest Hoka scrambled up onto her lap and rested his head against her shoulder, looking adoringly up into her face.

"So those are the Hokas?" said Jim.

"Yep," said Artie. "Cute little critters, aren't they? And what imaginations! My, but they can stay in character!" He shook his head in admiration.

"So why did they attack you then?" Jim asked.

"Oh, that." Artie brushed it away with a wave of his hand. "Aw, it was just a little misunderstanding, Jim. No big deal."

This elicited a snort from Alex. "Little misunderstanding! The Hokas thought you were Romeo, the genuine article, just the same as they plainly think your wife is Juliet."

Jim shot Artie a bemused look. "Genuine, huh? And how did that come about?"

"Aw, it's just the nicknames Lily and I use with each other. You know."

"And the Hokas overheard them and went overboard with it - as usual," said Alex. "It's just something about the Hokas. If they learn of something that exists between the covers of a book, or even on a screen, the Hokas have to bring it out and build their lives around it." He shook his head. "It's the way they're wired, I guess. And the more other beings they can drag into their game, the better. Though of course to them, it's not a game." He paused and added, "I think." He turned and looked at the babbling group thronged about Lily, gleefully begging autographs from the lovely "Juliet."

"So they really think she's Juliet?" asked Jim.

Alex shrugged. "Who knows? On one level, I'm fairly certain they know they're just playing. And yet… Over the years that I've been here on Toka, I've followed Holmes across the moors, been pressed into the Royal Navy and afterwards turned pirate on the Spanish Main. I've been dragged off to perdition by the Commandant - ok, that happened on Earth, but it was still the Hokas' doing. I've had to deal with Old Boney, and flown off with the Space Patrol, and joined the French Foreign Legion - by accident, of course. Why, I don't think a week has gone by in all my time on Toka without me being suckered into some mad plot or another. You have no idea!"

"Why don't you just resign then?" said Jim.

"Yes," Artie agreed. "Leave the diplomatic service and go do something you really enjoy."

"Wha… wha… what?" stammered Alex. "And leave the Hokas?"

"Sure, if they drive you so crazy. Leave the Hokas and live a normal life."

"Normal," said Alex. "Normal? Normal…" He seemed to be testing the word, trying in on for size. "Normal…" Then he shook his head. "But the life I live now - this _is _normal anymore. I just - I don't - " He smiled suddenly. "Well, where else in the universe could I follow Holmes across the moors, join the Foreign Legion by accident…"

"…meet knights who say Ni," Artie offered.

"Yes, not to mention, meeting a certain Romeo Montague. You know, these mad little teddy bears have an absolute art for sending me right around the bend, but now that I think of it, I can't imagine living any other way." He gave a self-deprecating laugh. "I guess maybe I'm as mad as they are now."

"Insanity is contagious?" asked Jim.

"Something like that."

"Well, Artie, before we catch it as well…"

Artie chuckled. "Yes, I suppose we ought to be off now." He extended a hand. "Good-bye, Mr Jones. It has certainly been interesting," he said.

"It was nice meeting you, Mr…" Alex trailed off. "Why, I don't believe I ever did catch your real name. Or for that matter, yours," he added, glancing at Jim.

"James West."

"Artemus Gordon."

And the pair of them headed for the TARDIS, collecting Lily and her chair along the way. The trio disappeared into the large brown cabinet and moments later a loud groaning and wheezing filled the air. Gently the brown box faded in and out of view, and was gone.

And Alex just stood there, jaw slack, eyes bulging. "James West and Artemus Gordon!" he repeated. "But… but… I've heard of them! They are… they were…"

The smallest Hoka of all began chortling, "They were some of the very first American Secret Service agents, yes. They led such adventurous lives, and went up against such very ingenious villains," he purred.

Those comments, coupled with the accent and tone of voice coming out of the mouth of the smallest Hoka, snapped Alex out of his stupor. "Don't you even think of it!" he ordered.

"Don't think of what?" the Hoka squeaked back, his face a mask of innocence. "Don't think of the fact that she," and he pointed at Ruth, "would make quite a decent Antoinette? Or the fact that you, my good sir, would make an excellent Voltaire?"

"I am not a giant!" growled Alex. "And you… _you are not Dr Loveless!"_

But the smallest Hoka only rubbed his stubby-fingered hands together, his button eyes sparkling as an evil grin spread over his muzzle.

…

Jim emerged from his stateroom the following morning and wandered down the corridor in search of coffee. His hopes high, he pushed open the door to the galley and was not disappointed. The enticing aroma of the dawn's first brew beckoned him into the small room where Artie was whipping up some breakfast. With a smile, Artie passed over the coffee pot and a china cup. "There you go, Jim. And top of the morning to you!"

"Thanks, Artie." Jim poured, then lifted the cup and took a welcome sip. "I'm a little surprised you're cooking in here," he added as the caffeine went to work. "The kitchen in the TARDIS is a lot roomier."

"True, true. But Lily and I decided to spend the night in my stateroom instead. After all, we should be reaching Denver this morning, and I didn't want Orrin to come looking for us once we're in the depot only to find the varnish car deserted."

"Mm," Jim agreed and buried his nose in the cup again.

"Waffles sound good to you?"

"Waffles sound great, Artie. Now, once we get to Denver, we should…"

"_Artemus!_"

Jim and Artie exchanged glances. That, of course, had been the voice of Mrs Lily Gordon - and she was _not _happy.

"What did you do?" Jim murmured to his partner.

Eyes wide in bafflement, Artie mouthed back, "I don't know!" just as the lovely lady stormed limping into the galley with a hinged photographic frame in her hand. Yes, _that _photographic frame. Stabbing a finger at the right-hand photo, she demanded, "Who is she?"

"Oh, well, I, uh… Didn't I tell you before?" said Artie, taking the frame from her hand.

"You told me that this is your mother. But as I happened to glance at these photographs just now it dawned on me that you can't possibly have a portrait of your mother. You didn't even remember her!"

"Well, not until lately, no. Once I'd regained my memories, then I remembered what she looked like."

"But this is a photograph. You cannot possibly have a photograph of her!" And she folded her arms and glared at him.

"No, that's, uh, that's true. But this is no ordinary photograph, Lily my love. Watch." He opened the bottom of the right-hand frame to reveal a row of tiny knobs. "This is a little experiment I've been playing around with. See?" He chose a knob and turned it, and the photo… changed.

Lily's hand jumped to cover her mouth as the woman in the photo grew younger before her eyes. Artie manipulated another knob, and the contours of the face altered, becoming thinner and less heart-shaped. A third knob lightened the woman's hair.

"Oh!" said Lily. "Oh, my!"

"And this," he said, turning every single knob all the way to the right, "is the photograph upon which I based this portrait of my mother as the most beautiful woman I've ever seen." The image changed, blurring for a moment before returning in exquisite clarity. As Artie bobbed his eyebrows and beamed at his wife, she gave a merry laugh.

"Oh, Artie you darling! That's me!"

"Mm-hmm! Well, who else would I chose for my model of the most beautiful woman, hmm?"

She threw her arms around him and gave him a kiss by way of apology. "Oh," she added, laying a hand on his cheek, "you'd think by now I would know better than to doubt you! What a jealous wife you have, darling! How do you put up with me?"

He grinned. "It's my pleasure," he said, and kissed her by way of accepting her apology.

At length Lily excused herself to go back to the stateroom to get out of her dressing gown and into some day clothes. Artie, with a chuckle, set the photo frame on the counter in the galley and went back to making breakfast.

Jim waited until after they heard the stateroom door close, then remarked lightly, "It certainly is a good thing that you based that portrait of your mother on Lily herself."

"Ah…" said Artie. "Um…"

"Mm-hmm, that's what I thought. All right, Artie, tell the truth. Whose portrait is that photograph you made of your mother really based on?"

Artie went on with his waffles, hoping Jim would let the matter drop.

"Artie…"

With a sigh of resignation, Artie set down the bowl and picked up the frame. "All right then, since you simply _must _know…" And he turned every single knob all the way to the left.

The portrait blurred again for several seconds before clearing. Jim took a look and muffled a snort. "_That's_ your model for the most beautiful woman ever?"

"Well… well, of course, Jim! Who else would I use as a starting point to create a photograph of my mother but…" and he gazed down at the familiar visage fondly.

"…but your own face," Jim finished for him.

Artie grinned. "Yup!" And shooting his best buddy a pixyish grin, he added, "Ready for those waffles?"

**~~ FIN ~~**

* * *

**Author's Note:**

_The Hokas are from a series of short stories by Poul Anderson & Gordon R Dickson. I was a teen when I first ran across the delightful Hoka stories in a collection entitled _Earthman's Burden_. When I recently remembered the stories and wanted to read them again, I discovered that the contents of that first book had later been expanded with still more stories and published as two books: _Hoka Hoka Hoka _and _Hokas Pokas_. Still later those two books were released as a single volume: _The Sound and the Furry_. At some point in there, a partial collection entitled _Hoka _had also been released._

_The various adventures Alex mentions in the course of my story, such as the time he followed Holmes across the moors, were drawn from the amazing adventures Anderson and Dickson wrote in the real Hoka tales. It was my privilege and pleasure to reread these stories in the course of "researching" TNOT Dramatic Reentrance, and I hope perhaps my story will inspire others to seek out the enchanting acquaintance of the Hokas as well._


End file.
